Showgirls Part 1

In  a couple of months or so, it will be the 20th anniversary of the bad movie "classic" Showgirls. I first watched this movie when I was around 11 or 12. Can you believe that? But thankfully, I watched the censored version on VH1. After that, I just couldn't stop watching it whenever it comes on TV. It's kind of well.....interesting, even though it's known to be one of the worst movies of the 90's. Maybe it's the outlandish campiness the reason why I find this movie the slightest bit entertaining, along with it's incredibly awful dialogue. Everybody else seems to enjoy this as well citing it as a cult favorite. But I just can't bring myself  to hail this as one of my favorite guilty pleasures. The movie has a really sleazy vibe that keeps me from enjoying this. The nudity I can handle but the context not so much. The context meaning the shit load amount of misogyny this movie keeps rubbing in our faces. Sure, some of the moments in this movie is too hard to take seriously, but it's the way it portrays women, who would use their sexuality as a weapon or are victims of sexual predatory by the men. They should be proud of their sexuality not be prisoners of it. Speaking of the men, most of them are just scummy and sex-obsessed(if you count out a few gay guys), it almost buffoonish.
The problems with the movie, I'll get to that later but for now let's get story, shall we? oh and guys, this review is totally safe for work, so any of you straight male viewers, sorry.

So it starts off with this drifter named Nomi Malone. Very cleaver on Joe Eszterhas part. LO freaking L! To think this is the same guy who wrote Flashdance and Jagged Edge. So the thing about her name is that you want to get to know her but she's alone. Get it? Yeah I know you wouldn't. So the things we KNOW about Nomi so far is that she's beautiful, blonde, and looking to make it big in Hollywood. So she decides to hijack this guy's car at knifepoint and heads to Las Vegas. Like a kid in wonder, she explores the casinos. Just as she first arrives though, she is approached by this sleazy pimp. She, of course, declines. Joe Eszerthas is digging a pretty big  hole in the beginning but it gets worse, trust me. Trying to score big on the jackpots, she soon realizes her suitcase was stolen by the driver. And this is how she meets Molly, as they get into a scuffle and hug it out after a misunderstanding. It's pretty freakin' hilarious. Once she hears about Nomi and her missing suitcase, Molly agrees to let her stay with her for a while until she gets on her own two feet. Yeah, let some complete stranger, stay at your house. Not smart I should say.

Some weeks later, Nomi is working at some low down strip club to help pay the bills. Couldn't she be a waitress or work at a retail store? why a stripper? I guess because if it's any way to get the main actress naked I guess she has to be a stripper.  Ugh. Okay before I take things further let's talk about the tacky nature of the strip club. The club owner always bribes the girls with oral sex, there's an overweight lady who makes fat jokes about herself and flashes her breasts in a clownish fashion, and the plain overall feel is over-the-top sexual.

So once she learns Molly is a costume designer at one of the best shows in Las Vegas, Nomi takes this opportunity to see the live shows and the most popular showgirl Cristal Conners, even though there is no mention of her knowing of Cristal.

So once she meets Cristal in her dressing room, she gives off a diva haughty attitude towards Nomi and Nomi leaves out, pissed. So as a stress reliever, Molly and Nomi goes out dancing at this club. While Nomi is gyrating like she's been stung by bees, she runs into this guy trying to hit on her. And she's like 'no way hose' and pushes him off, which ultimately causes them both to be a scuffle and soon gets them in jail. After that the guy just can't seem to get a clue and won't leave her alone. So now he's a recurring character. So I'll just call him The Wanna-be Philosopher.

So during one of her gigs at the strip club, Cristal Connors pays a visit.....
Okay guys, I'm afraid I have to stop it right here for now as cliffhanger. For a bad movie, it sure has a lot of story. So check me out on the second half.






 

Happy Valentine's Day everybody

Yes, love is in the air and I hope you have a special somebody with you to enjoy your day. Oh and happy Friday The 13th too in case I totally missed that. But really the most important thing here is I'm taking yet another sabbatical to focus on my writing. I'm also in  the middle of finding and publisher or literary agent to check out my novels. It isn't a easy road guys. But when the going gets tough, it makes you stronger and as you get stronger and pursue as much as can then your dream will come to you in flying colors. And dreams really do come true if you believe in yourself. Though this only the beginning for me. So wish me luck guys :)

P.S. don't worry I might do some articles here and there but not so much as frequent. And there will also be new segments and new reviews headed your way in late March or April.
And again have a wonderful Valentine's Day.

Movie Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D

Yet another unnecessary sequel that never should've been made. As I always do, I will tell some behind the scenes facts as to why this movie was made in the first place:
So after the failure of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Platinum Dunes decided to cut ties with the creators of the series and the franchise all together. Heh, I know right. Freakin' Platinum Dunes of all places is cutting this down. Anywho, it wasn't until 2009, where Twisted Pictures negotiated a deal with right-holders Bob Kuhn and Kim Henkel. And guys, just to say this, although Twisted Pictures gets praise for the Saw films (the first three or four probably but not all of them....trust me) but as for the rest of their movies.....they're not, well, what I call classics. So it was a bit of a risk. I'm talking HUGE risk. This is also a film studio that seems to be obsessed with 3D. Cause subtly is not their forte. It would take until 2011 for this movie to be filmed but had the misfortune of being released in January 2013, which shits out bad horror films in it's wake.
So here we have the atrocity that is Texas Chainsaw 3D. What do I think of it? I don't even know where to start. So many plot holes, so many inconsistences and so many goddamn twists that I have to break this down one by one.
The Story: Picking up the events from the first movie, Sally Hardesty has escaped the viscous Sawyer family, soon seeking help from the townspeople. Not long after, the mayor rallies up the townspeople to burn down the Sawyer's house and kill them one by one that only leaves Leatherface and a baby girl to be the surviving family members. Years later, that baby girl was adopted by a family and has now grown into a young woman named Heather. While living with her boyfriend in small Texas town, she receives a letter in the mail from an undisclosed relative, which turns out to be her long lost grandma, who decided to make her the heir of a mansion somewhere in the middle of Texas. So along with her friends, she goes to explore her new home, only to find out that a distant cousin wants to serve his welcome with the roaring of his chainsaw.

The cast is alright, they're not bad but they're not great either. The characters aren't really that memorable or likeable for that matter, so there's really isn't left for me to say.

Heather played by Alexandra Daddario was a decent actress during the first but for some odd reason, during the last act, her acting got bad. And I don't want to spoil anything about this character, so I'd rather leave the important facts later. But anywho, at least Heather is an interesting character, even more so than her bland and unlikeable friends who are nothing more than horror movie stereotypes.
Which leads us to the focus on the so-called friends, again not much development on them but I would give the movie this, they have some smokin' hot guys:

First there's Heather's boyfriend Ryan played by Tremaine Neverson aka Trey Songz. He's pretty much a beefcake, showing off his sculpted bod and being a total sex magnet. That's all I got really. But I would say this, he is quite the cheating asshole but you would have to wonder who with...well speaking of sex magnet:

Here we have Nikki, Heather's best friend who is the clichéd sexy blond girl who flaunts her assets in the most unsubtle way. There is also a twist with this character. Turns out she's the one Ryan is cheating with and she has no apologies for it. You see how unlikeable the characters are? But oh I'm just getting started.

In probably one of the most hilariously stupid scenes of the movie, Heather is being chased by Leatherface while Ryan and Nikki have their sweet little time together. This is where I ask myself, "is this movie gonna get any stupider?" And yes, yes it will.

Let's see, what's so interesting about Kenny?.....um....He's got pretty eyes?...Okay, I got nothing. Moving on.

 Oh yes, yes, yes. Here we have the hitchhiker but unlike in the previous movie, instead of him being creepy, he is smokin' hot! One problem though, he likes to steal stuff. Our gang of protagonists stupidly leave him there in the mansion to do so. Just to let you know, they just met this guy. But at Leatherface takes care of him.

mmmmm. Scott Eastwood. Can I say gorgeous? Ok, back on track here. he's plays the mayor's son, who is the town deputy. So this will lead to early spoilers, you guys. He suddenly turns antagonistic along with the mayor who captures and torment Heather all because she has the same bloodline as the Sawyer family.
Alright, there is point of telling how bad the directing is, hell I already know but the worst offender of this film is the writing. And to my surprise, not only there were three writers on this project, but one of them was Adam Marcus, the writer and director of Jason Goes To Hell which was named one of the worst sequels in the Friday the 13th Franchise. Can somebody please get this guy away from the writing table. I get the feeling that the more stupider moments in this movie was his fault. The script is all over the place and the dialogue is incredibly atrocious. Just hear "Welcome to Texas, motherfucker" and "Do your thing, cuz" for your amusement.
Now for the big, big spoilers. Oh god, brace yourselves you guys.
So after her friends are dead and being almost killed by her cousin, Heather sits at the police station and suddenly knows about her past. Then for some reason, she becomes semi bipolar once she is captured by the mayor and his son. And here comes Leatherface to the rescue. Yes, I said Leatherface.

So once he finds Heather tied up and gagged, he's ready to kill her until he sees a pacific birthmark on her body and finds out that Heather is a distant family member.

So Leatherface, protector of his clan, is on the prowl, killing the captors including the mayor who gets killed through a meat grinder in terrible CGI blood. Am I watching another movie right now? I mean seriously when did this turn into a superhero film? Oh whatever happened to the mayor's son? Who knows? who cares.

Oh and the Sheriff, he was an eyewitness, he saw what unfold and yet, he let's Leatherface go. A face-wearing, chainsaw-wielding maniac who is a complete danger to the whole town. So all this time the cops weren't  stupid, they were letting this happen willingly!

So off Heather goes, accepting her legacy as a cannibalistic maniac along with her cousin. Wow. Just Wow.
Another thing that bugged me was how there was an extended family? Let alone a family fortune? From what I watched from the last movie, there was only three brothers and a ranshacked house plagued with poverty. the total rehash of the story doesn't make sense. It just seem so forced and unnecessary. And don't even get me started on the discontunity because it seems that Heather should be in her 40's and Leatherface in his 60's. They don't particularly look it unless Heather really does look young for her age. But I don't want to have a raging headache over this.
Ugh. God, what a mess. It's just obvious that the same creators from the original continue to put this series down in the gutter. And you know what, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation looks kind of good compared to this piece of crap. I just don't have any more words. The series is just done at this point and to think of it, the only sequel that ever had a traditional continuity along with the recurring characters was TCM 2. I feel like that was the true Texas Chainsaw sequel and the series would've just left on that note. But oh well, This movie made money because Hollywood can always find a way to polish a turd like this. And out of our curiosity, we tuned in to see it.
My last word: If you were a fan of the original, please don't see this because you might just rip your hair out. it's not a good sequel let alone a good movie at all.

 

Hunk Of The Day: Nick Jonas

Guys, I just had to do this. I mean when I saw this pictures, I was aghast. I sort of had a feeling that this guy would grow up to be a total hottie. Just look at these pictures and feast your eyes on these photos. You just can't help but drool. But before I show you, I would like to do a little summary. So do you remember Nick Jonas, that cute adorable member of the Jonas Brothers? Well now he has become a hunky man and I never been so surprised, So here I present our Hunk Of The Day:

Nick Jonas

 

Yeah, I guess dating an older woman has changed him. A lot. But enough small talk, I want you guys to feel the moment.

 

Always Better In Bed

 

Ab Flash!

 

Okay guys, it's gonna get hot! So here are the shirtless pics.....and then some:

 





I'm always saving the best for last. Yowza!

 

 

Whew! I hope you guys can handle that because I don't think I can. I totally deserve a cold shower. So that was Nick Jonas, all grown up and ready for the camera. 



 

Movie Review: Halloween Resurection

So Moustapha Akkad getting "drunk" off the success of Halloween H20, wanted to produce yet another sequel to the Halloween franchise. Ok, let me get the wind of this, why was this even made at all? What? When? Where? Why? How? Is all I could say. you really want to know, people? It's because of cold, hard green cash. I mean why else a film studio would ruin a franchise for the sake of box office draw.
There...there was just no reason for this movie to be made. In H20, I thought that chapter in Laurie's life was closed. In the end, she won, she conquered. That's how it was going to be. But these idiot studio execs just wanted to juice out a another for no good reason. Where to go from here, exactly? And yes, guys, I am going to rant the hell out of this.
Okay, say what you will about the curse of Michael Myers, there was at least a purpose for making it. There was actually a cliffhanger In Halloween 5 to continue on with that. H20, however, DIDN'T have a cliffhanger. In my eyes, and hopefully everyone else's, the saga was finished. The only purpose this movie has is to put stupid teenagers in the Myers' house so Michael could hack through all of them. That's basically the movie in a nutshell. But please, let me get through this, I have so much to talk about in the next few minutes.
The Story: A group of fame-seeking, money-grubbing idiotic college students decide to sign on a reality show in which they explore the Myers house, only to find themselves at the business end of the kitchen knife from Michael Myers' grip.

The cast is annoying and bland as all hell. Do you think these characters are more interesting than Laurie? Really? They're just your pointless, good-looking, run-of-the-mill horror movie characters. A big empty blanks waiting to get filled in for plot circumstances.

First, let me start with Laurie as she is the only character that's interesting at all. And furthermore, her exit from the series is what really pissed me off about the movie. So apparently,  she is now in a mental hospital. You want to know why? Well here we have a massively confusing plot thread to explain it all.

You see towards the end of the last movie, Michael somehow crushed a paramedic's vocal cord which rendered his speech and switched his clothes and so Laurie mistaken him as Michael and chopped the paramedic's head off. This is explained by a nurse at a hospital who, for some reason, knew all of the details of this. Was she there when that happened? Who knows? You see how lazy the writing is getting? but it gets worst.
After clumsily killing two security officers (and I do question why they have such a short staff but oh well), Michael goes after Laurie but, of course, she outwits him and then they have an elaborate chase scene. Soon they are up at the balcony where Laurie uses her smarts and hangs Michael up in a rope. But for some reason, the script causes her to do something stupid which prompts her to reach out and grabs Michael's mask, only for her to get stabbed in the back.

 Yes, that's right, Michael finally kills Laurie. This pissed me the fuck off. I felt that Laurie Strode was such a iconic character, I hate that she had to go out this way or go out at all. Killing off Laurie was such a cop-out on the filmmakers' end.

Poor Jamie Lee Curtis just seems so worn out and tired of it all, that she almost agreed to have the character killed off. I hate the writer for making this decision but then again, Jamie Lee Curtis is too much of a good actress to be in this shit pile that is a called a movie.
So pretty much all of the important characters from the Halloween franchise are dead. Michael has technically won. So how the story will continue? Where will it take place? Who are going to be the new main characters to be invested in? Oh god. Brace yourselves, people. It's a bunch of bland, good-looking college students who wants to be on T.V. You kill off a kickass character like Laurie for us to focus on these idiots. Wow. But trust me guys, I will run through this like water because character development is not on their résumé:

Let's see what is so interesting about Sarah?....um.....I got nothin'. Her story arc revolves around this guy she meets online, who turns out to be a sophomore in high school. So basically, this is used as a plot device later in the climax of the movie.

That's pretty much the importance of her character. She tries to come off as this shy, good girl but the actress is just not convincing enough to be believable. There is just no personality to her whatsoever. A small plank of wood would replace her and nothing would change.

Deckard is, like I said before, is a plot device. Most of his scenes just have him in front of the computer with a group of friends while trying to save Sarah from Michael.

Jen is Sarah's ditzy blond best friend....that's her character. She's a ditz...that is all. Katee Sackhoff is now a better and well-known actress. So it's likely she'll forget that this was one of her earlier film roles.

Sean Patrick Thomas is in this movie but I totally forgot his character's name but then again who cares.

Thomas Ian Nicholas was riding high off of the success of American Pie, who would've thought he would end up in a low-brow slasher movie like this? hmm. I also don't remember the character's name or remember the character himself. Wow. You see how forgettable these character's are? But oh no, I'm not done yet kiddies. I am just reaching the top of the iceberg.

Donna and Jim are just your clichéd hot couple that can't keep their hands off each other. I mean what's more there to say?

I can't believe Tyra Banks of all people is in this movie. Who would've thought that she would later host a successful reality show in a year later? Basically, all she does in the movie is shake her ass, sip on cappuccino, drink wine, and get hung on a ceiling. So her role was nothing more than glorified cameo, of course. What a waste.

And now I present to you the most annoying, most despicable, most loathed character in horror film history, Freddie Harris played by Busta Rhymes. I guess the reason why he was cast in this was to appeal to teenagers. But let's be honest here, I just don't think he's that great of an actor. Not only that but we have to deal with the over-the-top antics of the character Freddie. By the way, Busta Rhymes is quite the scene stealer. I'm talkin Matthew McConaughey in TCM 4 scene stealer. This guy chews every scene he's in and it just gives me a headache. Okay, I would like to call out this one mundane scene where Michael and once he runs into the real Michael Myers, thinking he's a crew member, Freddie yells at him. You want to know what Michael does? Nothing! he lets this guy yell at him for about a minute and walks off. Is this a comedy? Is this what It gears towards?

Now to put more salt into the wound, Freddie turns out to be the hero of the movie. Okay, why is this character so special? he was originally supposed to die in the alternate ending of the movie and Deckard save Sarah but for some reason the test audiences like the character and rooted for him to live. Seriously? Can I say that the test audiences are idiots? This guy is nothing but a money-grubbing, self-entitled, manipulative jerk. Do you really think that qualifies as a hero? in a horror movie, no less? Okay to make this short, Freddie is probably the worst things in this movie.

Oh dear god, Michael. Just as he got his mojo back in the last movie, Michael has turn back into a typical white-washed standard slasher villain. It's almost to the point of being a comic relief. I really shouldn't be saying that but if you get kung-fued by Busta Rhymes of all people, then you might as well be a cartoon character.

Speaking of cartoon character, do you see the new mask they put on him? What's with the eyebrows? it's like they drawn them on with magic markers. By far the worst mask I've seen in the franchise. Sorry there's just not much to say about Michael. He's pretty much derailed at this point and this pretty much dampened his legacy.
I have no idea Rick Rosenthal, who I thought did a good job in Halloween 2, agreed to direct this movie. I just feel he's too good for this.

Half of the scenes are shown in found footage and it's extremely distracting. All of the suspense in this movie is lost because they keep going back and forth at some stupid teen party all the while showing the movie in found footage style in different camera angles. There is no point into being invested at all, you just have to stare at the screen until it's over. And don't get me started on the "practical" effects. Here's a demonstration:

Yeah.

 

 

And most of the movie was set in soundstage, so in that particular scene where Freddie kicks Michael out of the window, you can clearly see the stage ceiling high up. The movie's budget was 13 million dollars. 13 MILLION!
Now for some Trivia, I guess:

• Jamie Lee Curtis yet again wears a wig with Rick Rosenthal in the director's chair while the opening scene is set in a hospital. It's the same scenario in Halloween 2. But I'll tell you one good thing about this, at least they gave her better looking wig.

• Part of the genesis of the film was to acknowledge the franchise internet following.

• The filmmakers once asked Danielle Harris to have a role in the movie but it never came into fruition.

• The earlier scripts had a  lot promise, especially the ones involving John Tate but for some reason they choose this one with a stupid internet subplot and Freddie Harris kung-fuing Michael Myers.

• Brad Loree once auditioned for the role of Jason in Freddy Vs. Jason.

• This movie was supposed to have a completely new story, just like what they did in Halloween 3. But for SOME REASON the fans petitioned an internet rally to bring back Michael Myers. Well guys, you got what you wanted and I'm sorry to say this but you're at fault for this.

What a trainwreck of a movie. It's just sad that the movie series ended on with this. Ugh, I mean all it is is just a piece of crap. It's also hilariously painful to watch, even more so than Part 5 and Part 6 combined. And you want to know what's even more sad is that this was Moustapha Akkad's last produced Halloween movie. This is the movie that put in a nail in the coffin for the series until the obvious Rob Zombie reboot. But for me, I will just wipe my mind off of this. Pretend that this never been made or existed for that  matter. In my eyes, this movie is left in the bargain pile of garbage, never to be seen.
My Last Word: Avoid at all cost.