Thursday, January 29, 2015

Movie Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D

Yet another unnecessary sequel that never should've been made. As I always do, I will tell some behind the scenes facts as to why this movie was made in the first place:
So after the failure of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Platinum Dunes decided to cut ties with the creators of the series and the franchise all together. Heh, I know right. Freakin' Platinum Dunes of all places is cutting this down. Anywho, it wasn't until 2009, where Twisted Pictures negotiated a deal with right-holders Bob Kuhn and Kim Henkel. And guys, just to say this, although Twisted Pictures gets praise for the Saw films (the first three or four probably but not all of me) but as for the rest of their movies.....they're not, well, what I call classics. So it was a bit of a risk. I'm talking HUGE risk. This is also a film studio that seems to be obsessed with 3D. Cause subtly is not their forte. It would take until 2011 for this movie to be filmed but had the misfortune of being released in January 2013, which shits out bad horror films in it's wake.
So here we have the atrocity that is Texas Chainsaw 3D. What do I think of it? I don't even know where to start. So many plot holes, so many inconsistences and so many goddamn twists that I have to break this down one by one.
The Story: Picking up the events from the first movie, Sally Hardesty has escaped the viscous Sawyer family, soon seeking help from the townspeople. Not long after, the mayor rallies up the townspeople to burn down the Sawyer's house and kill them one by one that only leaves Leatherface and a baby girl to be the surviving family members. Years later, that baby girl was adopted by a family and has now grown into a young woman named Heather. While living with her boyfriend in small Texas town, she receives a letter in the mail from an undisclosed relative, which turns out to be her long lost grandma, who decided to make her the heir of a mansion somewhere in the middle of Texas. So along with her friends, she goes to explore her new home, only to find out that a distant cousin wants to serve his welcome with the roaring of his chainsaw.

The cast is alright, they're not bad but they're not great either. The characters aren't really that memorable or likeable for that matter, so there's really isn't left for me to say.

Heather played by Alexandra Daddario was a decent actress during the first but for some odd reason, during the last act, her acting got bad. And I don't want to spoil anything about this character, so I'd rather leave the important facts later. But anywho, at least Heather is an interesting character, even more so than her bland and unlikeable friends who are nothing more than horror movie stereotypes.
Which leads us to the focus on the so-called friends, again not much development on them but I would give the movie this, they have some smokin' hot guys:

First there's Heather's boyfriend Ryan played by Tremaine Neverson aka Trey Songz. He's pretty much a beefcake, showing off his sculpted bod and being a total sex magnet. That's all I got really. But I would say this, he is quite the cheating asshole but you would have to wonder who with...well speaking of sex magnet:

Here we have Nikki, Heather's best friend who is the clich├ęd sexy blond girl who flaunts her assets in the most unsubtle way. There is also a twist with this character. Turns out she's the one Ryan is cheating with and she has no apologies for it. You see how unlikeable the characters are? But oh I'm just getting started.

In probably one of the most hilariously stupid scenes of the movie, Heather is being chased by Leatherface while Ryan and Nikki have their sweet little time together. This is where I ask myself, "is this movie gonna get any stupider?" And yes, yes it will.

Let's see, what's so interesting about Kenny?'s got pretty eyes?...Okay, I got nothing. Moving on.

 Oh yes, yes, yes. Here we have the hitchhiker but unlike in the previous movie, instead of him being creepy, he is smokin' hot! One problem though, he likes to steal stuff. Our gang of protagonists stupidly leave him there in the mansion to do so. Just to let you know, they just met this guy. But at Leatherface takes care of him.

mmmmm. Scott Eastwood. Can I say gorgeous? Ok, back on track here. he's plays the mayor's son, who is the town deputy. So this will lead to early spoilers, you guys. He suddenly turns antagonistic along with the mayor who captures and torment Heather all because she has the same bloodline as the Sawyer family.
Alright, there is point of telling how bad the directing is, hell I already know but the worst offender of this film is the writing. And to my surprise, not only there were three writers on this project, but one of them was Adam Marcus, the writer and director of Jason Goes To Hell which was named one of the worst sequels in the Friday the 13th Franchise. Can somebody please get this guy away from the writing table. I get the feeling that the more stupider moments in this movie was his fault. The script is all over the place and the dialogue is incredibly atrocious. Just hear "Welcome to Texas, motherfucker" and "Do your thing, cuz" for your amusement.
Now for the big, big spoilers. Oh god, brace yourselves you guys.
So after her friends are dead and being almost killed by her cousin, Heather sits at the police station and suddenly knows about her past. Then for some reason, she becomes semi bipolar once she is captured by the mayor and his son. And here comes Leatherface to the rescue. Yes, I said Leatherface.

So once he finds Heather tied up and gagged, he's ready to kill her until he sees a pacific birthmark on her body and finds out that Heather is a distant family member.

So Leatherface, protector of his clan, is on the prowl, killing the captors including the mayor who gets killed through a meat grinder in terrible CGI blood. Am I watching another movie right now? I mean seriously when did this turn into a superhero film? Oh whatever happened to the mayor's son? Who knows? who cares.

Oh and the Sheriff, he was an eyewitness, he saw what unfold and yet, he let's Leatherface go. A face-wearing, chainsaw-wielding maniac who is a complete danger to the whole town. So all this time the cops weren't  stupid, they were letting this happen willingly!

So off Heather goes, accepting her legacy as a cannibalistic maniac along with her cousin. Wow. Just Wow.
Another thing that bugged me was how there was an extended family? Let alone a family fortune? From what I watched from the last movie, there was only three brothers and a ranshacked house plagued with poverty. the total rehash of the story doesn't make sense. It just seem so forced and unnecessary. And don't even get me started on the discontunity because it seems that Heather should be in her 40's and Leatherface in his 60's. They don't particularly look it unless Heather really does look young for her age. But I don't want to have a raging headache over this.
Ugh. God, what a mess. It's just obvious that the same creators from the original continue to put this series down in the gutter. And you know what, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation looks kind of good compared to this piece of crap. I just don't have any more words. The series is just done at this point and to think of it, the only sequel that ever had a traditional continuity along with the recurring characters was TCM 2. I feel like that was the true Texas Chainsaw sequel and the series would've just left on that note. But oh well, This movie made money because Hollywood can always find a way to polish a turd like this. And out of our curiosity, we tuned in to see it.
My last word: If you were a fan of the original, please don't see this because you might just rip your hair out. it's not a good sequel let alone a good movie at all.


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