Thursday, November 12, 2015

Movie Review: My Bloody Valentine(2009)

 Here is where we have two of the main stars of the hit show Supernatural star in their own shitty remakes. Here we have the 2009 3D "extravaganza" My Bloody Valentine starring Jensen Ackles. It's not anywhere near as classy or sleek as the original nor is it near as investing. Yes, it's basically dumb down for a younger audience although most of the cast is adult if you count out the opening scene. To be fair, this is a very lackluster remake. Even the 3D doesn't make it better, when in fact it's just a gimmick and making the movie look...Well, stupid. It's not a benefit, it's a hindrance. And you know that special note on my last review about sex and gore in horror films? boy, this has a lot of it including an gratuitous sex scene and a woman being chased in the nude. Plus, pints and pints of over-the-top cartoonish gore. Now you know what kind of movie I'm talking about. The filmmakers focus more on that than the story itself. The characters, the writing, and even the directing (shaky cam! CGI!) seem to be lacking. And although some of the acting is okay, the strongest effort from Jamie King, the movie ends up being a dud.
The Story: On the night of Valentine's day, a deranged miner worker by the name of Harry Warden, breaks out of his coma from a broken down mining rig, and starts going on a killing spree. He works his way towards Tom and his group of friends but the only survivors are Tom's girlfriend Sarah, Axel, and Axel's girlfriend Irene. Years later, Tom returns back to his hometown to rekindle his lost love and make amends with his former residents. But someway, somehow Harry Warden has come back for some unfinished business.....

I thought the majority of the cast was alright with Jensen Ackles, Jamie King, and Kerr Smith taking the leads. Heck, even Tom Carpenter regular Tom Atkins joins in. But the script really wans down their performances. Unlike the original where the characters are mostly likeable and fun-loving, we have a bunch of poor, miserable degenerates with shitty adult lives. I get the feeling that no audience would root for these people who are just as crappy as the characters in a Rob Zombie movie.

Jensen Ackles as Tom tries to give an intense performance but ends up being rather wooden. They try to set up Tom as this mysterious drifter type, a guy with a past but it just doesn't work for me. I'm just not invested in Tom as a main character. There is a twist about this character but I'll just leave it later in the review.

Jamie King as Sarah is the only actor that puts in a worthy performance. Even with crap like this, she always pulls through. The character of Sarah is probably the only likeable character in the movie. Hell, if she can put up with a jerkass cheating husband, cheating with one of her employees, no less, of course she would be the only likeable character.

Most of her storyline consists of a love triangle between her former boyfriend Tom and her recent husband Axel. I will confess that I am a soap opera fan, but let me say this, this is soap opera bullshit and it really doesn't help the story either. The original handled this way much better in my opinion. Is it just me or the chemistry between Jensen Ackles and Jamie King feels forced? I'm sorry I was just not feeling it. Anywho, Jamie King is probably one of the best things about this movie.

Kerr Smith as Axel did an alright job but let me focus more on Axel, who is a giant asshole. When we first see him, he is a typical teenage douchebag and from then on out, he still hasn't changed. For some reason, he is now sheriff of the town and is having an affair with one of his wife's employees and soon gets her pregnant. Ugh! Why didn't the filmmakers kill him off! He just doesn't make an effective or likeable hero. And I'll say this once again, he is a complete asshole.

Special mention goes to his mistress, who is a typical horror film bimbo with no redeeming qualities.

Okay, I give this movie for all it's worth when I say they did a good job having Harry Warden to be as sleek and intimidating as in the original, however, even he doesn't make the movie better.

There is one scene I like to discuss. And that's the over the top sex scene involving Irene and a trucker played by Todd Farmer. I can tell he was so pumped to do this scene. How freakin' typical. I will say he got some moves on him, I'll tell you that. At least, it's only one sex scene to cringe over unlike the next movie I'll review.

But the one thing that really bothered me is how the actress is getting chased by the killer in her birthday suit. She is naked throughout the whole scene and I kept wondering was this even in the script? but then again, Todd Farmer was so adamant to do the sex scene and have a naked actress on screen, I guess it was written in. This is so exploitative and really cheapens the movie.

What cheapens the movie even more is how over the top the gore is. Yes, there are some creative death scenes here but having it fall into the screen in 3D, just makes it look so corny. I guess the filmmakers are trying to make up for the deleted death scenes in the original, but when I say it's too much, it's too damn much.

There is one scene that I thought was well done and it's the supermarket chase scene. If the movie had more scenes like this, I could be singing a different tune right now.

Like most reviews, we have a twist. Spoilers, you guys: So it turns out Tom was doing the killings all along. See? They sort of did a switcheroo with the ending of the original. how "clever." And this is when Jensen Ackles acting got kind of terrible. I was not convinced. Apparently, Tom has a spilt personality, possessed by the spirit of Harry Warden, I supposed. Tom eventually survives, leaving for a sequel bait. No development has been in the works. Thank God for that!
Verdict? The original is so much better. There is an unrated version with the grisly death scenes. But I prefer the cut version, it's far more effective, just for it's atmosphere and well-crafted scenes. This movie is the total opposite. I can see why people like this...I guess. Maybe it's for the nudity and gore alone. You know how those college horror fans are. But I know that I am at least most of the people who think this movie is tacky, leaving it a forgettable, pointless slasher film.
My Last Word: Skip This.

Had a hard time finding the trailer but oh well.

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