Movie Review: A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

Oh Platinum Dunes you foiled me again, just when you ruined Friday The 13th, you decided to ruin A Nightmare On Elm Street, turning into a generic piece of crap. Now I would say the original does have some flaws, it's not a perfect movie, however, it pretty much reignited the slasher genre and is declared an 80's horror classic. So how in the world can Platinum Dunes ruin this one? Here's a little backstory for ya. Director Samuel Bayer didn't even want to do this movie, I'm not sure if he's even a fan of the series. But dear o'l Michael Bay persisted, promising him that he'll make big bucks if he do this movie. Do I also need to mention that Samuel Bayer is music video director. I don't think his kind of visuals translate well into horror. Cause let me tell you, the movie feels like a full-length music video. This is nothing more than a CGI-infested, awfully-written borefest. I literally couldn't keep my eyes open at the movie theater. Yes, I saw this piece of shit at an actual theater because I didn't have anything else better to do. How can you take such an original, inventive horror movie and turn into a run-of-the-mill, generic, terribly directed mess. The cast was bland, the aesthetic was bland, hell even Freddy was bland. I mean I could go on and on.
To courtesy of Platinum Dunes, they just produced another shitty horror remake.
The Story: You know the drill. Teens have dreams about mysterious man. Teens investigate about the mysterious man. Mysterious man kills them one by one in their dreams. Badda Bing, Badda Boom.

The cast and acting is wooden and mediocre at best. There really wasn't much thought or character development put into the characters to make them relatable or likeable. I felt like most of the time, I was watching a lost pilot from a terrible CW show because of how beautiful the cast looked. Seriously, they looked like they got picked off from the fashion runway. And that's the problem with Michael Bay and Company, they're so concerned about how attractive the cast are without focusing on the talent. But the thing about the original films is that they actually look like teenagers. With this, I can honestly tell that the actors are in their early to mid twenties. But the worst crime that Platinum Dunes did with the remake is that the cast of characters aren't even friends in this version. That was the important part of the Nightmare series is that the teens are able to trust and confide in each other to beat Freddy, There was always that sort of connection of why we care about them. Since there is no connection, all is lost and we don't give a crap whether they live or die.

We have Katie Cassidy being in yet another crappy horror remake. Having three crappy remakes in a row is not good on anybody's resume. She plays Kris, which is pretty much a combination of Tina in the first nightmare movie and Kristen from part 3 and 4. If you have been living under rock lately you would know she would be the first to die. Well, not exactly the first.

Just to squeeze this in here, we have her boyfriend Dean in the opening scene played by the oh-so sexy Kellan Lutz.

He's pretty much written to be killed off. Just to add in some trivia, Platinum Dunes was literally trying to find male models to play the role of Dean. Wow. You see how dumb this film studio is?

Okay back to Kris, there really isn't much more to her other than being petrified or scared while looking pretty for the camera. I mean this girl has no personality at all, not even special little quirks to make her likeable. No NOTHING. She's just a blank piece of wood.

Speaking of blank piece of wood, we have Rooney Mara as Nancy. Good god, what a lousy performance! Don't get me wrong, I do like Rooney Mara, she's.....an alright actress. I mean she did good with The Social Network and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, but she still has a long way to go. Rooney Mara does regret being in this movie which why she gives such a bad performance. I mean it seems as though she is literally falling asleep through her lines.

But the main focus is on Nancy, who is a combination of the original Nancy in the first film and Alice from part 4 and 5. Just to say, She is so BORING! She is so fucking boring! How can you make a main character so bland? I mean it's one thing to have the Tina equivalent to be wooden as hell but Nancy of all people? Come on! There could've been chances to make her more badass than she was in the original. Sadly though, no, she is nothing more than a lifeless, boring, lazily-written character. Period.

Kyle Gallner as Quentin at least tried. And I'll give him points for trying, given that he's a much more better actor than this shitty movie gives him credit for. Quentin is....there, most of the time. To be honest, there's nothing really to dwell over. There could've been some character development but he is simply defined by being Nancy's love interest.

The very handsome Thomas Dekker as Jesse is the Rob Lane Equivalent. The bad boy with a soft side who still have feelings for his ex Kris. You see why I compare this to the CW? The conflict with people is something out of a clichéd teen drama. But here's one thing that bugs me about him. After Kris dies and he's running from the cops, he BREAKS IN into Nancy's room just to tell her about Freddy and his creepy nursery rhyme. It's just so hilariously stupid.

Oh and get this, after he dies, the guy in his jail cell screams "I didn't do it!  I didn't do it!". It was so fucking funny!

Oh god, now it leads me to Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Kruger. How? How can anyone fuck up such an iconic horror villain? How?

Jackie Earle Haley is a good actor, depending on the move he's in. When it comes to a bad script with even more awful dialogue, to be sure, this is one of his worst performances. He does try, though, he could never be as good as Robert Englund. Hell, I don't think any other actor would. And to just add this, Freddy had less lines in the original, I think it would've been a benefit if Freddy had less dialogue in this movie. A BIG benefit. He just comes off as so damn whiny and needy in this one. Now I'm going to point out the massive mistakes that the filmmakers did with Freddy:

1. They show his appearance too early. Freddy works best in the shadows, he's a lot scarier and intimidating and you see why the later films fail because of how much screen time Freddy gets.

2. What the hell is up with Freddy's makeup? He looks like a goddamn alien from some crappy made-for-TV Sci-Fi movie. There could've been ways to make him inventive. But no, this has got to be one of the worst makeup effects Freddy's ever had. The makeup on Nightmare 5 and 6 looks better than this.

3. The one-liners have got to go. You know why I said Freddy should have less dialogue? Yeah, that's the reason.

4. Freddy as a pedophile. We all know good and well that Freddy was a child molester, however, it was only implied. When the filmmakers wanted to put this out in the open, it wasn't a big deal to me. But the more I thought about it, the more I got confused. You see that the parents had the evidence to put Freddy in jail yet they still want to put the law into their own hands. That makes them, kind of well, stupid. But then the debacle comes to this, if Freddy touch those kids or not. OF COURSE HE DID! When did this become some unsolved mystery crap? Knowing Freddy, he's a despicable human being, He's horrible! And once Nancy and Quentin DO find out they he, indeed, molested them, you're not surprised. This is why it bugs me so much of why this gotten remade at all. It just loses the mystery of the original.

Oh god, here we conclude this with the horrible writing and directing along with the most shittiest of special effects I ever seen. Wesley Strick, known for the well-received Cape Fear remake, does a terrible job at trying to convey a story here or develop the characters in any way. The bit about the micro naps was clever though it's just an excuse for a jump scare scene. Lots of jump scares in this movie people, trust me. I have the feeling that Wesley Strick didn't give a crap and did it for the money as well. Of course, not caring for a project or beloved movie series, will make you do a piss poor job, just ask Samuel Bayer (or Ronny Yu). Seriously, this guy should just stick to music video directing.  All I see is jump scare after jump scare after motherfucking jump scare! Don't even get me started on the CGI because that's what define the whole special effects in a nutshell. I mean what the fuck?

First we have the atrocious re-do of the wall scene. I'll say this so many times but CGI IS NOT SCARY! The original film had a low-budget but the liberties the filmmakers had with the special effects was an achievement. I mean how can you ruin such a cool effect? I can ask these questions all day. It's so incredibly cartoonish.

But this is when things get really hilarious. Kris's death scene, which is a re-do of Tina's death. Am I watching Looney Tunes right now? I mean WHAT THE FUCK? How can you take a truly disturbing death scene and make it so cartoony? It reminds me of that pinball scene in Freddy Vs. Jason. People were literally laughing in the movie theater.

Things get even more hilarious when there's a scene involving this character Marcus (played by Aaron Yoo of the equally awful Friday The 13th) doing some sort of vlog about his dreams. When he does his last video, all of a sudden he hits his head into the camera. Did Freddy help upload that or what? it is so fucking dumb and nonsensical. And that's when I knew this movie was going downhill. Down, down, down it went into a murky pile of shit. That's it and that's all. I'm fucking done.
The Verdict? Of course watch the original, it's an 80's classic and the sequels are pretty fun to watch too. WAY better than this boring piece of crap. Never trust a Platinum Dunes logo, you guys. And soon enough, Michael Bay and his henchman stopped making horror films and stuck with what they were good (or bad) at: Action films. It just goes to show that they don't know shit about horror films. They obviously suck at making them and stopped when they were ahead. People, please do me a favor and try to empty this atrocity from your mind. Because the only nightmare I had was wasting my five dollars in the movie theater on this horrible movie.
My Last Word: Never, never see this film. That's how utterly bad it is.

 

Movie Review: Halloween 2

Oh boy, just when things couldn't get any worse. Rob Zombie's atrocious remake just had to get a sequel because it did, of course, made money. Rob Zombie didn't even want to do the sequel but the studio was going to do it with or without him anyway, so he said what the hell might as well do it. When I first heard about it, I really didn't care but then again, I was hoping for a fresh new take on the story which would finally focus on Laurie this time, even though I really am not a fan of Scout-Taylor Compton's acting. However, it was all about how original the story was going to be which was the important part. But then I heard they were bringing back Sheri Moon Zombie who, in fact, (spoiler alert) died in the previous movie, which was confusing to me. Then they were cast a new child actor to play young Michael and I was like wait a minute that storyline was over and done with. AND then when Weird Al Yankovic, of all people, was going to be in this, that's when I knew this was going to be a pile of shit. Well, All I could say is, a sequel that wanted, a sequel that got. It was indeed a pile of shit. Woah, I mean, what a mindfuck of a movie. What makes it even worse is that the characters are twice as unlikeable and crazy, including Laurie herself, the directing is twice as bad, and the writing much more worse. I'm just gonna stop here and break this all down one by one because this is definitely one of the worst entries in the Halloween franchise But Halloween Resurrection still takes the top spot of being the worst. Though this won't get off the hook so easy.
The Story: One year (two years in the director's cut...really?) later, Laurie is deeply traumatized by the events of that fateful Halloween night. Constant dreams and hallucinations plague her, fearing that he might come back. But then it turns out...it's true.

The cast is what you expect. They're a bunch of assholes, including this one slimy paramedic guy who wants to have sex with a corpse. Let's just say Michael is able to take of him. Oh and be sure to check out a lot of unnecessary cameos along the way. The focus of this movie is all over the place and doesn't even take the time to focus on Dr. Loomis but considering that he's a total bastard in this movie, maybe that's a good thing. Not to mention that Laurie is insufferable as well. VERY insufferable. So through all the random people and lack of focus, they're really isn't much to dwell over.

Time and time again, I have compared Michael Myers to Jason Voorhees. And here, the contrast is so familiar it's like Michael can't have his own identity.

For some reason, his mom is brought back as ghost (Pamela Voorhees, anyone?) and tell Michael that he should kill to bring back his baby sister. OOOkay....So since the backstory of Michael is complete, this is where Rob Zombie wanted to take the continued story. It is just so out of bounds and is just an excuse to put his wife on film.

Most people complain about the aesthetic of Michael becoming a hobo, however, due to the fact that he is psychotic it would make sense. But don't think I'm defending this movie.

Michael is just a hulking killing machine at this point, killing anything that in his way. He's so strong, in fact, he lifts up a car while someone's inside. And I'm like really? Has he turned into the incredible hulk now? And again, having him as this two ton killing machine just doesn't impress me. It's been done to death!

Plus it was just unnecessary to have the ghost of his mother and his younger self in every scene. I mean literally every scene. I would've accepted to be a hallucination of his in a brief scene but to have ghostly mom and his kid self to be his willing henchman was flat out dumb.

But here's the dumbest part of the movie, Michael speaks. For the first time in the entirety of the whole series, Michael's first word is "DIE!" how fucking stupid is that? And it proves just how idiotic and weird this movie is.

Now we have Laurie, who has progressively gotten worse in this sequel. She is quite the raging bitch. I get that she's psychologically damaged after what's happened, but she literally treats everyone like crap. And what's with Laurie's appearance? She looks like a more of a bum than Michael does. It's one thing for Rob Zombie to have his male cast look like him but his female cast as well? Now that's a problem.

Not to mention hearing the shrilling voice of Scout-Taylor Compton in every waking moment really doesn't help matters either.

I think the character of Laurie has gone to the point of no return. What was once a likeable, intelligent, strong-wiled young woman in the Carpenter universe has turned into a dim-witted, obnoxious harpy in the Zombie universe. But I have to remind myself that this is a different movie series and this girl just so happens to have the same name as a beloved horror heroine. Scout-Taylor Compton, as always, was fucking horrible. Special mention to her ditzy friends who are nothing more than Annie and Lynda copycats, written in so they can get killed off later.

Dr. Loomis. Dear Lord, Dr. Loomis. Seriously what the hell happened? He is now a total narcissistic asshole in this version. And he does nothing heroic of the sort, pushing anybody in his way so he could get publicity for himself. Even going on talk shows featuring Weird Al Yankovic. Yes, guys, he is total prima donna. Now he's nothing more the typical grumpy wealthy old rich man who doesn't care about anybody but himself. Now Rob Zombie has turned John Carpenter's iconic hero into a self-absorbed, egotistical asshole. How fucking wonderful.

Brad Dourif performance is actually much better than the first one. Yes, there are times where the script sort of wans it down a bit but he pulled out okay. Although there is not much to him in this sequel, there is one pivotal scene where he discovers Annie's body. It's pretty sad to watch but then again I am NOT giving this movie any credit so I'll move on.

Speaking of Annie, we have Danielle Harris. Although she gets less screen time in this, she does get to show off her great acting chops in her one and only good scene. Even next to the horribly acted Scout-Taylor Compton, she pretty much holds her own.

Besides the fact that it was going to happen anyway, Rob Zombie decided to kill off Annie because he didn't know what to do with the character and it shows.

Now let's focus on the real problem with this movie which is the writing. Good God! is it awful. Then there's Rob Zombie's questionable dialogue. I don't mind swearing in some movies, but it's like these people speak another language or something. It was distracting in the first, and it's definitely distracting here. Did anyone get the whole White Horse scenario? Me neither. I think it was just some way to make the movie more deep and psychological but failing miserably. I don't know if Rob Zombie was high when he wrote this or what. Hell, John Carpenter was drunk when he wrote in the sister-brother subplot, but this, this is just nuts.

Well, let's combine the writing with the directing, which is also out of whack. Is this a amateur student film were watching? What's with Laurie's hallucinations and dreams? It's so damn confusing. All this, in the end, was just padding. Let's remind ourselves, people, that this is a two-hour long movie and it has LOTS of unnecessary scenes. But here's the go to punch to this, the first 26 minutes, which is retread of the original second movie, is ALL A DREAM. A fucking dream. And I knew, I knew that this movie was going to be a giant waste of time.
I'm going to stop here, though, not without saying that everybody dies: Loomis, Michael, Laurie. The. Fucking. End. I'm finished.
One more note though, the execs were pinning for a THIRD film to this but thank god, that it didn't happen. Because these people are seriously putting this film series in the gutter, way down to a deep dark hole.
The Verdict? What can I say? It's not really a remake of the sequel but If I had to choose, it would be the 1981 original. I wouldn't call it a great film by any means but it's a hell of a lot better than this pile of crap.
My Last Word: Never, never lay eyes upon this. Yes, it's that bad.

Movie Review: Sorortiy Row

Oh god, oh man, Oh god, Oh man. I just got down to the bottom of the barrel. There was some slashers in the 80's that were underrated classics. The rest...not so much. But House On Sorority Row was one of those slashers that had effort put into it. It may not be up to par like Halloween Or Friday The 13th, though it hits the right notes. So why is it getting remade? I guess the studios involved took advantage of it being an obscure slasher. What this ends up being is a farce, ripping off films like Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer, and Urban Legend all in one take. It's even more ridiculous and dumb than the Black Christmas Remake. And although I have my hangups about that remake, at least the cinematography and the directing was good. Lots of shaky cam, dark scenes, and CGI with this one. What makes it worse is that the female characters are incredibly superficial and catty with one another. Trust me, you guys, there is a lot of shadiness going on here. Just like the last two movies, this is a honk of shit. I will give the film this though, at least it doesn't take itself too seriously. At least it knows it's a piece of crap. But it's yet another forgettable waste of time. Just another shitty slasher film.
The Story: Bitchy sorority girls pulls a prank on one of the girls' boyfriend. Prank goes wrong which actually gets one of the girls killed. The girls soon hide the body. One year later, someone wants revenge. Blah, Blah, Blah.

Woo boy, if you thought the girls from Black Christmas were bad, these girls will give them a run for their money. I mean in the original, the girls were somewhere close to tolerable to decent, even the Alpha Bitch in that movie had likeable moments. But oh no, all the girls in this movie does is bitch, bitch, bitch. And when they play a quite elaborate prank on guy in the opening scene, right off the bat you see how dumb and unlikable they really are. Even when things start to go array, all the girls talk about is who's boyfriend cheated on who, who's backstabbing who, It shows how far from reality these characters are. One last note, how the hell are they even friends in the first place? I don't know and I don't care.

We have Cassidy, who is the moral compass of the group, because this movie sure as hell need one. Witty, smart, strong-wiled, and sarcastic, it shows that Cassidy may be a good girl but takes no crap, especially from Sorority Tyrant Jessica.

Brianna Evigan displays a strong performance despites this movie's faults and carries it in stride.

Jessica is the ultimate Alpha Bitch, ramping and raging every step she takes. She is unlikeable from the start, and even if you see a shred of decency in her, she gets worse as the story progresses, not really facing responsibilities for her actions and think she can talk her way out of things. She is mean and spiteful towards here sorority sisters even though they feel traumatized about what happened (Hell, some of them. I'm not giving these characters TOO much credit).

Although the character is quite hateful, I can see that Leah Pipes had fun with the role and did a good performance.

Ellie is basically the typical hysterical woman in horror film. She is the shy, timid, virginal girl but that doesn't mean she can have her catty moments too.

And by the end of the film, she finally takes charge and saves the day even though through the duration of the movie she came off as utterly useless, so it was quite a surprise. Rumer Willis actually did an okay job, I wouldn't say it's her strongest performance but she was fine.

Claire doesn't really have that much development to fall back on, but at least she's one of the decent sorority sisters yet not so bright either. Her "story arc" involves with her having a douchebag boyfriend. That's it. That's all I could think of.

Chugs is probably one of the funniest characters. Funny as in laughably written. This girl is far from a bimbo as she does have some wit, but at the same time, she still is a terribly written drunken mess.

Then there is Ms. Crenshaw played by Princess Leia Herself, Carrie Fisher. She pretty much stole the show for me and knew what kind of movie she was in. She should deserved much more screen time than this movie give her credit for.

Lastly we have Audrina Patridge as the ditzy Megan. There really wasn't a reason for her part in the movie other than glorified cameo. Just like Paris Hilton from House Of Wax, she was only cast sordidly for her reality show status.

Special Mention goes to Megan's somewhat vapid younger sister Maggie, who somehow sleep with another girl's boyfriend yet still manages to survive the movie. But who cares about rules in this movie?
On To The Boys:

You have Cassidy's nice, caring boyfriend Andy played by the handsome and sexy Julian Morris.

Jessica's WASPY, preppy boyfriend Kyle played by the equally handsome and sexy Matt Lanter.

Then we have...Garret, the ex-boyfriend of the past-deceased Megan, who's just plain creepy. He's played by Matt O'Leary.
The writing is what you expect from a dumb movie like this, so I don't have to go any further. And what supposed to be filled with suspense and tension is replaced with non-stop partying from the dumb, idiotic college students. These girls sure love to party I'll tell you that. But the directing is twice as bad. When you watch this movie in which I hope you don't, you'll get a lot of motion sickness. Seriously, the did the cameraman have a vibrator up his back? But Let me get down to the movie's twist (yes, there is a twist as always) and the killer's motives:

So Andy and Kyle are the killers. Their reasoning? They couldn't stand how bitchy and vapid the girls are. And that's when I knew how beyond dumb this movie is. So Kyle is killed off and Andy is killed off in the most over-the-top fashion with laughable CGI.

And off the three remaining girls go, walking triumphantly like Charlie's Angels rejects. Again, what a piece of crap. I guess I have to wash out my eyes now.
The Verdict? Guys, do the honors and focus on the joys of a classic 80's slasher. It certainly has a lot of quality than this film does because the movie is a sad example of how modern horror has become. Milking out any crap that is worth milking out. Although some of you see this as so bad, it's good, let me remind you that has no creativity, no clever writing, and god-awful directing. Just full on disastrous.
My Last Word: Please, please avoid this.