Oh Platinum Dunes you foiled me again, just when you ruined Friday The 13th, you decided to ruin A Nightmare On Elm Street, turning into a generic piece of crap. Now I would say the original does have some flaws, it's not a perfect movie, however, it pretty much reignited the slasher genre and is declared an 80's horror classic. So how in the world can Platinum Dunes ruin this one? Here's a little backstory for ya. Director Samuel Bayer didn't even want to do this movie, I'm not sure if he's even a fan of the series. But dear o'l Michael Bay persisted, promising him that he'll make big bucks if he do this movie. Do I also need to mention that Samuel Bayer is music video director. I don't think his kind of visuals translate well into horror. Cause let me tell you, the movie feels like a full-length music video. This is nothing more than a CGI-infested, awfully-written borefest. I literally couldn't keep my eyes open at the movie theater. Yes, I saw this piece of shit at an actual theater because I didn't have anything else better to do. How can you take such an original, inventive horror movie and turn into a run-of-the-mill, generic, terribly directed mess. The cast was bland, the aesthetic was bland, hell even Freddy was bland. I mean I could go on and on.
To courtesy of Platinum Dunes, they just produced another shitty horror remake.
The Story: You know the drill. Teens have dreams about mysterious man. Teens investigate about the mysterious man. Mysterious man kills them one by one in their dreams. Badda Bing, Badda Boom.
The cast and acting is wooden and mediocre at best. There really wasn't much thought or character development put into the characters to make them relatable or likeable. I felt like most of the time, I was watching a lost pilot from a terrible CW show because of how beautiful the cast looked. Seriously, they looked like they got picked off from the fashion runway. And that's the problem with Michael Bay and Company, they're so concerned about how attractive the cast are without focusing on the talent. But the thing about the original films is that they actually look like teenagers. With this, I can honestly tell that the actors are in their early to mid twenties. But the worst crime that Platinum Dunes did with the remake is that the cast of characters aren't even friends in this version. That was the important part of the Nightmare series is that the teens are able to trust and confide in each other to beat Freddy, There was always that sort of connection of why we care about them. Since there is no connection, all is lost and we don't give a crap whether they live or die.
We have Katie Cassidy being in yet another crappy horror remake. Having three crappy remakes in a row is not good on anybody's resume. She plays Kris, which is pretty much a combination of Tina in the first nightmare movie and Kristen from part 3 and 4. If you have been living under rock lately you would know she would be the first to die. Well, not exactly the first.
Just to squeeze this in here, we have her boyfriend Dean in the opening scene played by the oh-so sexy Kellan Lutz.
He's pretty much written to be killed off. Just to add in some trivia, Platinum Dunes was literally trying to find male models to play the role of Dean. Wow. You see how dumb this film studio is?
Okay back to Kris, there really isn't much more to her other than being petrified or scared while looking pretty for the camera. I mean this girl has no personality at all, not even special little quirks to make her likeable. No NOTHING. She's just a blank piece of wood.
Speaking of blank piece of wood, we have Rooney Mara as Nancy. Good god, what a lousy performance! Don't get me wrong, I do like Rooney Mara, she's.....an alright actress. I mean she did good with The Social Network and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, but she still has a long way to go. Rooney Mara does regret being in this movie which why she gives such a bad performance. I mean it seems as though she is literally falling asleep through her lines.
But the main focus is on Nancy, who is a combination of the original Nancy in the first film and Alice from part 4 and 5. Just to say, She is so BORING! She is so fucking boring! How can you make a main character so bland? I mean it's one thing to have the Tina equivalent to be wooden as hell but Nancy of all people? Come on! There could've been chances to make her more badass than she was in the original. Sadly though, no, she is nothing more than a lifeless, boring, lazily-written character. Period.
Kyle Gallner as Quentin at least tried. And I'll give him points for trying, given that he's a much more better actor than this shitty movie gives him credit for. Quentin is....there, most of the time. To be honest, there's nothing really to dwell over. There could've been some character development but he is simply defined by being Nancy's love interest.
The very handsome Thomas Dekker as Jesse is the Rob Lane Equivalent. The bad boy with a soft side who still have feelings for his ex Kris. You see why I compare this to the CW? The conflict with people is something out of a clichéd teen drama. But here's one thing that bugs me about him. After Kris dies and he's running from the cops, he BREAKS IN into Nancy's room just to tell her about Freddy and his creepy nursery rhyme. It's just so hilariously stupid.
Oh and get this, after he dies, the guy in his jail cell screams "I didn't do it! I didn't do it!". It was so fucking funny!
Oh god, now it leads me to Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy Kruger. How? How can anyone fuck up such an iconic horror villain? How?
Jackie Earle Haley is a good actor, depending on the move he's in. When it comes to a bad script with even more awful dialogue, to be sure, this is one of his worst performances. He does try, though, he could never be as good as Robert Englund. Hell, I don't think any other actor would. And to just add this, Freddy had less lines in the original, I think it would've been a benefit if Freddy had less dialogue in this movie. A BIG benefit. He just comes off as so damn whiny and needy in this one. Now I'm going to point out the massive mistakes that the filmmakers did with Freddy:
1. They show his appearance too early. Freddy works best in the shadows, he's a lot scarier and intimidating and you see why the later films fail because of how much screen time Freddy gets.
2. What the hell is up with Freddy's makeup? He looks like a goddamn alien from some crappy made-for-TV Sci-Fi movie. There could've been ways to make him inventive. But no, this has got to be one of the worst makeup effects Freddy's ever had. The makeup on Nightmare 5 and 6 looks better than this.
3. The one-liners have got to go. You know why I said Freddy should have less dialogue? Yeah, that's the reason.
4. Freddy as a pedophile. We all know good and well that Freddy was a child molester, however, it was only implied. When the filmmakers wanted to put this out in the open, it wasn't a big deal to me. But the more I thought about it, the more I got confused. You see that the parents had the evidence to put Freddy in jail yet they still want to put the law into their own hands. That makes them, kind of well, stupid. But then the debacle comes to this, if Freddy touch those kids or not. OF COURSE HE DID! When did this become some unsolved mystery crap? Knowing Freddy, he's a despicable human being, He's horrible! And once Nancy and Quentin DO find out they he, indeed, molested them, you're not surprised. This is why it bugs me so much of why this gotten remade at all. It just loses the mystery of the original.
Oh god, here we conclude this with the horrible writing and directing along with the most shittiest of special effects I ever seen. Wesley Strick, known for the well-received Cape Fear remake, does a terrible job at trying to convey a story here or develop the characters in any way. The bit about the micro naps was clever though it's just an excuse for a jump scare scene. Lots of jump scares in this movie people, trust me. I have the feeling that Wesley Strick didn't give a crap and did it for the money as well. Of course, not caring for a project or beloved movie series, will make you do a piss poor job, just ask Samuel Bayer (or Ronny Yu). Seriously, this guy should just stick to music video directing. All I see is jump scare after jump scare after motherfucking jump scare! Don't even get me started on the CGI because that's what define the whole special effects in a nutshell. I mean what the fuck?
First we have the atrocious re-do of the wall scene. I'll say this so many times but CGI IS NOT SCARY! The original film had a low-budget but the liberties the filmmakers had with the special effects was an achievement. I mean how can you ruin such a cool effect? I can ask these questions all day. It's so incredibly cartoonish.
But this is when things get really hilarious. Kris's death scene, which is a re-do of Tina's death. Am I watching Looney Tunes right now? I mean WHAT THE FUCK? How can you take a truly disturbing death scene and make it so cartoony? It reminds me of that pinball scene in Freddy Vs. Jason. People were literally laughing in the movie theater.
Things get even more hilarious when there's a scene involving this character Marcus (played by Aaron Yoo of the equally awful Friday The 13th) doing some sort of vlog about his dreams. When he does his last video, all of a sudden he hits his head into the camera. Did Freddy help upload that or what? it is so fucking dumb and nonsensical. And that's when I knew this movie was going downhill. Down, down, down it went into a murky pile of shit. That's it and that's all. I'm fucking done.
The Verdict? Of course watch the original, it's an 80's classic and the sequels are pretty fun to watch too. WAY better than this boring piece of crap. Never trust a Platinum Dunes logo, you guys. And soon enough, Michael Bay and his henchman stopped making horror films and stuck with what they were good (or bad) at: Action films. It just goes to show that they don't know shit about horror films. They obviously suck at making them and stopped when they were ahead. People, please do me a favor and try to empty this atrocity from your mind. Because the only nightmare I had was wasting my five dollars in the movie theater on this horrible movie.
My Last Word: Never, never see this film. That's how utterly bad it is.
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