Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Housewives At Their Worst

Here I present to you the talentless stars of reality T.V. Mostly coming from the Real Housewives franchise. God, do these women really think they can catch i tune? I surely do not. So please let us begin the horror show.....

Gretchen Rossi-Revelation
So botox beauty queen aka Gretchen Rossi decided to broadcoast her ludicrious song to date, "Revelation". As you can see she clearly trying to emote her face since her face is alway, always tight while lip-synching trying to act like a twenty-five year old. Well, news flash sweetheart, you're not twenty-five anymore and this song is proof you have lost your way. The plastic surgery may have alter your face and body but it sure as hell didn't alter your singing voice:

Danielle Staub- Real Close
Oh my god, what a trainwreck! It's one thing to not know how to handle a business, but singing talents? This woman is way beyond her limits here. Clearly the soundtrack is singing for her. Can I say EPIC FAIL. And don't even get me started on her dancing. She barely even does. She just stands there sashying while the guido-like dancers fawn over her. Then there's the other singer who, of course, upstages her and doing all the real dancing. Maybe she should just to leave it to her, cause seriously, Danielle Staub dosen't have a chance in the music business:

Kim Zolciak-Google Me
Pure Awful. How can Andy Cohen allow this? Hell I thought "Tardy for the Party" was a real hoot but this...There is no way to describe it's insipidness. It's truly a poor way to market yourself. Who's gonna goggle you Kim Zolciak? To see how many surgeries you had? To see how much those cheap wigs cost? Unfortuntely, nobody's gonna google you for your musical talents, that's for sure:

Countess Luann-Money Can't Buy Class
It can't buy you talent. Or good production values. How can someone with so much money have a cheap-looking video? For one thing, she's not putting any effort in her voice. Even the bad autotone can't save her. And who is she trying to mimick? Madonna of all people? There's one thing money can buy you, a reality TV show. So just do us a favor and stick to that:

Special Mention:
Hedi Montag-Body Language
Technically, Hedi Montag is not "Real Housewife." Therefore, she is a housewife, none-the-less and WAS on reality TV show. And you know, the plastic surgery thing of course. So there. Being the(ex?) wife of Spencer Pratt can pretty uneventful. So why not have a music career? Well, no. Not a good idea. And this performance proves to be Hedi's worst. I was afraid all that dancing would cause her breast implants to fall out. By the way, it seems she's having a really hard time even catching up with their choreography. I guess being a Britney Spears-wannabe isn't her for'te. Speaking of which Britney's VMA performance is much better by comparison. And that's saying something:

So there you have it, The talentless trainwrecks on reality television. And just to let you know, just because you're on TV, dosen't mean you gain any musical charms...

Monday, August 27, 2012

Top 3 Most Worst Cover Songs

I now present to you the absolute worst and hiliarous atempts at copying songs that really didnt' need to be copied. Please be my guest to embrace these stinkers...

Sondra Prill-Nasty
Oh my god, there is nothing cheesier than the 80's but this one takes the cake. So the singer Sondra Prill, as she is "elegantly" named, decides to butcher Janet Jackson's hit song Nasty. Then you wonder, is she taking herself too seriously or she making fun of herself, then again you wonder, is she off her medication? But my last guess would be she's probably drunk at some male strip club doing a bad karaoke rendention of this song. Though I have to give this video some points for bringing in some (besides the ridiculous 80's hairdos) awesome man candy:

Colton Ford-Lithium
The opening track sounds like he's in pain. Of course, we all were when we heard this horrorendus version of Nirvana's Lithium. How come someone take a classic 90's rock song and turn it into dance-pop trash is beyond me. Though Colton Ford isn't the only gay porn star turn muscian. There's Jeff Stryker and Johnny Hazzard to name a few. However, Colton Ford is possibly one of the worst gay porn star turned singers. I mean the song sounds like broken record for christ sakes. Don't get me wrong though, the man is really sexy. But sadly, that's what he's good at. Being sexy. Singing however....isn't one of his strongest attributes:

Kelly Osburne-Papa Dont' Preach
It pains me to put her on this list because Kelly has now matured into a highly fashioned, coffied young woman. But her version of Papa Don't Preach is one of the worst Madonna Cover songs. The song just make her seem like some Avril Lavinge/Pink Wannabe. Though you would know this wasn't all her idea. Some idiot producer thought, "Hey! Let's get a Madonna song and make it really edgy and rock and roll!" The result: A really edgy and rock and roll mess:

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Movie Review: Final Destination 5

Finally after long-awaited anticipation, I come across this, although, it's above average compared to today's horror movies. But it's certianly the most entertaining with it's clever twist and turns, making this probably the best of the series, espeically after the abomonation that was part 4, which I refuse to review. It's starts off as your usual final destenation movie but as the plot thickens, the story and situations get more interesting.
The story: You kind of know the story by now. It gets a little repetive, however, this one is a little different than the others, though i don't want to tell you by spoiling, so here's a short syponsis.
Sam Lawton, a young chef, is on his way to a company retreat with his girlfriend and friends, when he has a sudden premonition that the bridge is going to collaspe. As you see in most of the movies, Sam warns his friends to get off the bus. They don't, of course, believe him until the events of vision comes true, leaving most of the survivors vunerable to the grim reaper's unexpected hits.
The acting was kind of good. The characters wasn't your typical young pretty rich kids, they're just people with regular day jobs, trying to get by, although some characters can be a bit unsavory(Issac to say for sure), they were pretty likeable at best.
Now let's get down to it with the boys. *sigh* Nicholas D'Agosto has the most enchanting brown eyes, you can sink in them. And those lips are so kissable. Yowza! Arlen Escapeta is also a sexy hunk with alluring brown eyes. Miles Fischer, although a bit unhinged, is quite an adorable hunk, sort of like a young Tom Cruise. Even though I don't know anything about her character, Emma Bell was quite promising. All I can say about Jacquelene Malnnes Wood, She's really good at playing a bitch. A funny, witty, sexy bitch at best. There's really nothing to say about Ellen Wroe. I mean her character was just....there, that's all.
The directing was very cool but had the dreaded 3-D effects. What is with that these days?
Hands down, the most suspenseful and by far the most brutal deaths of the scenes has got to be the gymnasium scene. You just keep wondering what's going to happen? What will happen here? What will happen there? And then...BOOM! Something happens unpredictably. It's the classic horror movie set-up. Which brings us the ending. Spolier Alert! Sam and Molly were planning this romantic trip to Paris where Sam is receiving his internship.....When suddenly they find out that there on flight 180, which brings us back to the events of the first film, making this an unoffical prequel.....Well, you know what happens next. Poor Sam.
It was really good and enjoyable. And it is certainly making up to the inferior preceeder with a better plot, better acting and much (less annoying) likeable characters.
My last word: A very haunting thrill ride with twist and turns.

Friday, July 27, 2012

South Califronia Preview

Fairfeild, New Jeresy was pretty much known for marketing home appliances and also promoting misleading commercials about products that didn't even work. At least that's what Ember aka "Emmy" Caplin thought about her hometown. She was born into a suburban community filled with lush green lawn and white picket fences, which seems to be a very idyllic view of New Jersey other than how it's depicted in most of today's views.
Ever since her parents met, They were clashed into two different worlds along side their alternate personalites. Her mom, Cnythia was a devoted Jew while her father, Timothy was a devoted catholic. Those kind of religions don't mix. So there was lots of family dicussions and indifferences to behold.
It all started in the wonderful island of New York city, with it's posh atmosphere and industrial buildings, Cynthia was plucky newcomer from Michigan, having hopes and dreams of becoming a broadway star.
Navie but resilant, Cynthia Savannnah Louise Marcowitz did anything to embolished herself into the broadway circut. One of them was dying her brown hair blond to look more like Madonna(Her many comparisons to Madonna would linger on from years to come). And secondly, befriend one of the aspiring broadway hopefuls. That's when she met Phibus nicknamed Phiby.
Phiby was an energetic, fun-loving dancer from Rhode Island. He kept a whole collection of classic broadway songs, posters, and movie adaptations of the stage shows, although he says it will never capture the essence of the estravaganza of the golden years. He, too, was a huge Madonna fan. being a openly homosexual from all across the states, It wouldn't be much of a surprise. This one time they filmed an affectionate parody of Madonna's 'Lucky Star' and decided to send it out to a broadway producer to showcase their talents, which was one of Cynthia tactics. The plan....didn't go well.
By the end of her freshman year, Cynthia befriended Nola Gumble hence the fact that she was jealous of her natural talent. She had classic beautiful features that resembles Rita Hayworth and Launa Turner and defined dancer's body with long shaply legs. Of course, she did confirm she use to take ballet classes. Everytime she enter a room, the boys couldn't stop staring at her. Everyday, Cynthia witnessed Nola writing a list of boys she'll go out with. Literally.
Compared to Nola, Cynthia was less convential with her prebuscent body and overly-high pitched voice. Which added even more jealously towards her. But friendly jealously to the least.
The Broadway amigos, that's the name Cynthia, Nola, and Phiby go by to their journey to stardom. Cynthia wondered, however, how long will this journey take?
They all lived in a three bedroom apartment, courtsey of Nola's father who payed half the rent. The only circumstance of living with those two was Phiby would bring in as much men as Nola did. Every night, Cynthia had to dread hearing the howls of passion and extacsy in the next room. Then she wondered why was she the only one that was dateless?
It wasn't long until the three friends got their big break on stage as...backup dancers, no less. They even were assigned as undermimed extras in non-musical plays. This was when Nola got a little competive, pushing every promising act out of the way for her own justifaction.
In the most to come, it payed off. After showing her poitrait photos, her resume on her ballet background, and her stunning good looks, front and center. For Cynthia and Phiby, They were still in background.
As a result of that, Cynthia had to work at a retail store part time to bring in extra money. Phiby had other plans. He decided to perform drag on open nights at Cameron's, an exclusive gay club two blocks from Broadway. After booking at least five shows, Phiby was a success.
Which leaves Cynthia in the big, empty apartment. But that didn't stop her from getting auditions although they were small roles. She probably guessed the producers felt she didn't have the convential look like Nola had. Nola. She even had a movie star name. How was a name like Cynthia appealing?
After getting burned for another audition, Cynthia ran into Timothy Caplin, who just got back from his studies. The first words he said was beautiful her singing voice was. And the rest is pretty much history.
What she liked about Timothy was his subtly yet he was uptight, unlike most of the guys she dates. He was one year away of finishing graduate school and had serious aspirations of going to law school but had other priorites on his mind, since his father was pressuring him to go that career path.
Nola and Phibus, on the other hand, thought they were totally wrong for each other. Cynthia was child-like and had a lush for life while Timothy was serious and principled. They thought he was too boring for her but Cynthia liked that he was serious-minded. Timothy liked that Cynthia was life-fulling than his tight-knit lifestyle.
By junior year of college, Cynthia decided to take a break from acting and settle for a job as a receptionist at a modeling agency. By then, Nola flew out to L.A. for T.V. gig and Phiby went on to do a drag show in France. Which left Cynthia one person in mind: Timothy.
The summer after college, Timothy summed up the courage to propose to Cynthia at Central Park. She looked into those soft brown eyes of his and simply said yes.
Once the news broke out, it really didn't fly well with some of the family members who came from different backgrounds and standpoints. Although there was tension in the air, The Marcowitzes and The Caplins kept their fueds in check.
The week after graduation, Cynthia and Timothy got married in a small chapel right close to Brooklyn. Now that she was married, Cynthia wondered where she was going from here. Phiby and Nola went on to have a successful careers, performing and acting. Cynthia, however, was stuck in the middle. Will she ever have the chance in the spotlight? Will she ever grace the magic of theater? She wasn't for her now. She was a happily married woman with a loving, caring husband. She was happy where she was now. In her humble opinon, showbiz wasn't for her.
Timothy wanted to escape the fast-paced city life for a quiet simple life in the suburbs. Cynthia happily obliged, focusing on to becoming a housewife-homemaker while Timothy took a job as an accountant, which didn't comply well with his father but there wasn't any further complaints from him. They settled in Fairfield, New Jeresy, Timothy's hometown. Two years of hardworking and comfort-living, Cynthia was expecting.
At Fairfield Memorial hospital, 5:45am, Ember Flora Caplin was born.
Phibus was there, being the proud godfather....or godmother for the little bundle of joy. Strangely, Nola wasn't there for the event, claiming that her film schedule was in the way. Out of a blink of an eye, Cynthia never heard from her again, only having Phiby as one of her good friends. But again, she was happy where she was now. And found a new friend to hold on to: Her Darling Ember.
Which begins Ember's Journey.....

Another Long Break

Sorry for the long delay. I just been working constantly on my second novel series. And then you know a little rewrite on my early stuff which is a bummer. Although I must say I am my own worst critic. But to prove that I've been busting  my butt writing a give a preview of South California Central, One of my many projects to come. I'll start by giving the story of the woman who gave birth to my finest of main characters, Ember Caplin.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Birthday Girl Part 2

(Please find and Read Part 1)

Cassie walks to the pool hall, wearing her gray hoodie over her head, dazed with emotion. She comes inside and sits close to the window.
From afar, WADE(17), Katrina's adoptive brother, a tall, lanky boy with curly black hair with strange but defined features, is sitting at a round table smoking with his stoner friends. He notices Cassie sitting alone by the window. He gives off a mean look, feeling confused of why she's there. He walks up to her. Then Wade agressively slams his hand on the table and looks at Cassie, dead in the face.

What are you doing here?
CASSIE(takes off her hoodie)
Just sitting here. Why?
Nobody asked you to come here.
Cassie looks at the table where Wade's stoner friends are snickering.
I can sit anywhere I damn please
Well, this is my territory. And I rather you leave
This is bogus. Is this about your sister, Wade? Because you're acting really idiotic right now.
You take my word for it. I have my own reasons of not liking you.
You didn't even really know me.
Would I need to know your life story?
Cassie grabs Wade's hand.
Wade....get out of my face
Cassie pushes him away and goes towards the door.
Don't come back here!
Screw you!
Cassie flips her hoodie on and walks deep into the smoky street.
Danielle is sitting in the dining room, reading a dictionary while her boyfriend, JEFF(18), a handsome, athletic boy with an edge to him, is watching t.v.
Jeff, would you pay attention
I know you feel nervous about the exams but we really gotta get on point with things
JEFF(coming on to her)
Why are getting all serious?
It's just that I've been studying a lot this week
Maybe you should take a break
Jeff kisses Danielle hard, going into a deep, passionate make-out session.
Jeff, stop
The phone rings suddenly. Danielle hastily jumps up and grabs it on the table.
Cassie is laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, her mind racing with thoughts.
Hey Dani
Hey Cass, what's up?


Cassie turns over to the bed, letting her emotions sink out.
Everything's okay. I hope I'm not interrupting something.
DANIELLE(sorting out papers)
Oh no, I'm just really busy with studying...Jeff saw what happened at the pool hall.
Hey, it's not a big deal. Katrina goes out all her way just to prove she hates me.
She's just upset that's all. All of this will pass through.
CASSIE(other end)
Well.....I just wanted to hear your voice
I know you did. I'm always here for you, Cassie. I'll keep in touch.
Yeah okay. Talk to you later.
Cassie hangs up the phone and buries her head under the pillow.
Danielle hangs up the phone, heavily thinking in thought.
Is she okay?
She's just going through a lot, lately. It'll be best if I'll tell you, later.

Jeff softly strokes Danielle's back.
She's going to be fine
(sighs) I just don't want this thing to blow out of proportion.

Wade and one of his stoner friend, JACOB, a stocky boy with long, messy hair, are walking around in a deserted neighborhood, apart from the rest of the town. It is known as a hangout spot for the kids where there are at least six broken-down houses down the road and through the woods, there is a closed-down warehouse. The two boy go towards the 2nd house of the three on the other side. Jacob stuffs a bong in his jacket and looks around as he enter the house.
You sure there's no one on the lookout?
Come on man, this place is rigged. People barely go by this road.
The two boys enter inside, feeling the dusty atmosphere. Wade comfortably plops on the couch and lights up his bong.
The right kind of place to light my bong
JACOB(holds his nose)
Ugh, this place smells like shit.
That's the smell of comfort, my friend. (hands Jacob the bong) Wanna hit this?
The camera pans slowly to the left and outside of the house. Down the street, a black hooded figure is walking slowly in the rain. The figure stops and has it's eye on the second on the left row.
Wade and Jacob is sitting on the couch, dazed with satisfaction from the armoa they smoked.
Dude, where did you get this herb? I'm like blazin'.
WADE(zoned out, eyeing the bong)
The magic ingredients to this is kept secret, my man. (gets up from the couch, stumbles a bit)
I'm gonna go take a piss.
Wade goes off to the bathroom while Jacob sits back, blowing the smoke of his lungs.
Then a dark, looming shadow illuminates in front of Jacob, coming into full attention. Before he can react, the figure brutally slits his throat and rips it out with it's bare hands.
Wade checks himself out in the mirror, trying to see the red in his eyes. He turns on the sink and splashes water on his face, wiping the strong effect from the drug. The light blub suddenly flickers. Wade taps on it two times to keep the light steady. He focuses on the mirror and out comes behind....
The hooded figure with a baseball bat
HOODED FIGURE(soft female voice)
Hello, Joe.
Wade turns around and in a flash, the hooded figure whacks his jaw with the metal baseball bat. Wade goes down hard, spitting out blood pieces of his teeth. He looks up, helplessly, his eyes watering with pain. The hooded figure towers over him and pulls off it's hoodie. It is revealed to be....CASSIE! She makes an evil grin.
You're so....weak. You can't even hold your own without your patheic buddies around. Now that was one strike. (kneels down) Let's see if you can take more.
Cassie stands up, aiming her baseball above Wade. His eyes widen with fear.
Cassie repeatedly strikes him, blood splattered from wall to wall. She drops the baseball bat on the floor and walks off.
Well, that job's done
Cassie slowly comes out of the house and into the pouring rain, washing the blood off her. She closes her eyes in extacsy. She takes off her jacket and bathes off what's left of the blood.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Movie Review: Freddy Vs. Jason

When I first watched this movie, I....I hated it. I hated it with a passion. I felt like it could've been much better than it was. So a couple of years went by and it suddenly became entertaining. For those of you out there, you have to look at this movie with an open mind. Being a Jason and Freddy fan, I could've expect something more but this is the best they can come up with: A typical teen slasher movie. Unfortunately, I read the earlier scripts and man, were they crappy. I wouldn't blame them for making their final decision, I mean it took years for the producers to make a good Freddy vs. Jason film, however, they still should've gotten better writers, more better developed characters, and more emotional depths on both of the antagonists.
So here's the story: Freddy sets out this plan to put back the fears of the elm street kids since the townspeople have long gone forgotten about him. So he resurrects Jason to be his dragon. Meanwhile, Lori and her friends are having a get together when suddenly one of her friends is murdered. Now, she's beginning to gain fear of freddy coming back which provides him to rise again, only to have Jason in the way, who is a non-stop killing machine. While freddy fights Jason to win the crown of best slasher villian, Lori, her long, lost boyfriend, Will and the rest of the remaining teens try to stop them before Springfield becomes a ghost town.
Monica Kenna did a great perfomance. At first, I thought she was a bit melodramatic, since she worked in a few teen dramas. But overall, she's a good actress. Jason Ritter also did a good job(not to mention pretty handsome), But I can tell he hasn't done a horror movie before just by looking at him. Kelly Rowland was actually good in her first acting debut, but her character was kind of annoying at times. Katherine Isabelle did a great job developing a rather bland, cliche character. chris marquette was adorable as the lovable, picked on nerd. Brandon Flecther gave a rather breif yet intense performance and not too bad on the looks deparment etheir.
The directing is very stylish, having the lighting tone of the two villains branch out their personalities. Jason is blue and melancholy, freddy is red and full of rage. Also blue meaning water and red meaning fire, which are their greatest weaknesses.
The story was good but could've had more plot to go along with the movie to make it much better than it was. Like what if the two main characters were releated to Freddy and Jason or what if the said town was actually a ghost town? The story could've been much more interesting and insightful. Nothing against this movie though, couple of years down the road they'll probably make a  live-action version of the comic book sequel but I doubt it since those pesky remakes are in the way. But just in case, hopefullly they'll make it just so the story could mesh well better. However, pretty entertaing slasher flick.
My last Word: Oh just watch it for the hell of it.