Movie Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D

Yet another unnecessary sequel that never should've been made. As I always do, I will tell some behind the scenes facts as to why this movie was made in the first place:
So after the failure of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning, Platinum Dunes decided to cut ties with the creators of the series and the franchise all together. Heh, I know right. Freakin' Platinum Dunes of all places is cutting this down. Anywho, it wasn't until 2009, where Twisted Pictures negotiated a deal with right-holders Bob Kuhn and Kim Henkel. And guys, just to say this, although Twisted Pictures gets praise for the Saw films (the first three or four probably but not all of them....trust me) but as for the rest of their movies.....they're not, well, what I call classics. So it was a bit of a risk. I'm talking HUGE risk. This is also a film studio that seems to be obsessed with 3D. Cause subtly is not their forte. It would take until 2011 for this movie to be filmed but had the misfortune of being released in January 2013, which shits out bad horror films in it's wake.
So here we have the atrocity that is Texas Chainsaw 3D. What do I think of it? I don't even know where to start. So many plot holes, so many inconsistences and so many goddamn twists that I have to break this down one by one.
The Story: Picking up the events from the first movie, Sally Hardesty has escaped the viscous Sawyer family, soon seeking help from the townspeople. Not long after, the mayor rallies up the townspeople to burn down the Sawyer's house and kill them one by one that only leaves Leatherface and a baby girl to be the surviving family members. Years later, that baby girl was adopted by a family and has now grown into a young woman named Heather. While living with her boyfriend in small Texas town, she receives a letter in the mail from an undisclosed relative, which turns out to be her long lost grandma, who decided to make her the heir of a mansion somewhere in the middle of Texas. So along with her friends, she goes to explore her new home, only to find out that a distant cousin wants to serve his welcome with the roaring of his chainsaw.

The cast is alright, they're not bad but they're not great either. The characters aren't really that memorable or likeable for that matter, so there's really isn't left for me to say.

Heather played by Alexandra Daddario was a decent actress during the first but for some odd reason, during the last act, her acting got bad. And I don't want to spoil anything about this character, so I'd rather leave the important facts later. But anywho, at least Heather is an interesting character, even more so than her bland and unlikeable friends who are nothing more than horror movie stereotypes.
Which leads us to the focus on the so-called friends, again not much development on them but I would give the movie this, they have some smokin' hot guys:

First there's Heather's boyfriend Ryan played by Tremaine Neverson aka Trey Songz. He's pretty much a beefcake, showing off his sculpted bod and being a total sex magnet. That's all I got really. But I would say this, he is quite the cheating asshole but you would have to wonder who with...well speaking of sex magnet:

Here we have Nikki, Heather's best friend who is the clichéd sexy blond girl who flaunts her assets in the most unsubtle way. There is also a twist with this character. Turns out she's the one Ryan is cheating with and she has no apologies for it. You see how unlikeable the characters are? But oh I'm just getting started.

In probably one of the most hilariously stupid scenes of the movie, Heather is being chased by Leatherface while Ryan and Nikki have their sweet little time together. This is where I ask myself, "is this movie gonna get any stupider?" And yes, yes it will.

Let's see, what's so interesting about Kenny?.....um....He's got pretty eyes?...Okay, I got nothing. Moving on.

 Oh yes, yes, yes. Here we have the hitchhiker but unlike in the previous movie, instead of him being creepy, he is smokin' hot! One problem though, he likes to steal stuff. Our gang of protagonists stupidly leave him there in the mansion to do so. Just to let you know, they just met this guy. But at Leatherface takes care of him.

mmmmm. Scott Eastwood. Can I say gorgeous? Ok, back on track here. he's plays the mayor's son, who is the town deputy. So this will lead to early spoilers, you guys. He suddenly turns antagonistic along with the mayor who captures and torment Heather all because she has the same bloodline as the Sawyer family.
Alright, there is point of telling how bad the directing is, hell I already know but the worst offender of this film is the writing. And to my surprise, not only there were three writers on this project, but one of them was Adam Marcus, the writer and director of Jason Goes To Hell which was named one of the worst sequels in the Friday the 13th Franchise. Can somebody please get this guy away from the writing table. I get the feeling that the more stupider moments in this movie was his fault. The script is all over the place and the dialogue is incredibly atrocious. Just hear "Welcome to Texas, motherfucker" and "Do your thing, cuz" for your amusement.
Now for the big, big spoilers. Oh god, brace yourselves you guys.
So after her friends are dead and being almost killed by her cousin, Heather sits at the police station and suddenly knows about her past. Then for some reason, she becomes semi bipolar once she is captured by the mayor and his son. And here comes Leatherface to the rescue. Yes, I said Leatherface.

So once he finds Heather tied up and gagged, he's ready to kill her until he sees a pacific birthmark on her body and finds out that Heather is a distant family member.

So Leatherface, protector of his clan, is on the prowl, killing the captors including the mayor who gets killed through a meat grinder in terrible CGI blood. Am I watching another movie right now? I mean seriously when did this turn into a superhero film? Oh whatever happened to the mayor's son? Who knows? who cares.

Oh and the Sheriff, he was an eyewitness, he saw what unfold and yet, he let's Leatherface go. A face-wearing, chainsaw-wielding maniac who is a complete danger to the whole town. So all this time the cops weren't  stupid, they were letting this happen willingly!

So off Heather goes, accepting her legacy as a cannibalistic maniac along with her cousin. Wow. Just Wow.
Another thing that bugged me was how there was an extended family? Let alone a family fortune? From what I watched from the last movie, there was only three brothers and a ranshacked house plagued with poverty. the total rehash of the story doesn't make sense. It just seem so forced and unnecessary. And don't even get me started on the discontunity because it seems that Heather should be in her 40's and Leatherface in his 60's. They don't particularly look it unless Heather really does look young for her age. But I don't want to have a raging headache over this.
Ugh. God, what a mess. It's just obvious that the same creators from the original continue to put this series down in the gutter. And you know what, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation looks kind of good compared to this piece of crap. I just don't have any more words. The series is just done at this point and to think of it, the only sequel that ever had a traditional continuity along with the recurring characters was TCM 2. I feel like that was the true Texas Chainsaw sequel and the series would've just left on that note. But oh well, This movie made money because Hollywood can always find a way to polish a turd like this. And out of our curiosity, we tuned in to see it.
My last word: If you were a fan of the original, please don't see this because you might just rip your hair out. it's not a good sequel let alone a good movie at all.

 

Hunk Of The Day: Nick Jonas

Guys, I just had to do this. I mean when I saw this pictures, I was aghast. I sort of had a feeling that this guy would grow up to be a total hottie. Just look at these pictures and feast your eyes on these photos. You just can't help but drool. But before I show you, I would like to do a little summary. So do you remember Nick Jonas, that cute adorable member of the Jonas Brothers? Well now he has become a hunky man and I never been so surprised, So here I present our Hunk Of The Day:

Nick Jonas

 

Yeah, I guess dating an older woman has changed him. A lot. But enough small talk, I want you guys to feel the moment.

 

Always Better In Bed

 

Ab Flash!

 

Okay guys, it's gonna get hot! So here are the shirtless pics.....and then some:

 





I'm always saving the best for last. Yowza!

 

 

Whew! I hope you guys can handle that because I don't think I can. I totally deserve a cold shower. So that was Nick Jonas, all grown up and ready for the camera. 



 

Movie Review: Halloween Resurection

So Moustapha Akkad getting "drunk" off the success of Halloween H20, wanted to produce yet another sequel to the Halloween franchise. Ok, let me get the wind of this, why was this even made at all? What? When? Where? Why? How? Is all I could say. you really want to know, people? It's because of cold, hard green cash. I mean why else a film studio would ruin a franchise for the sake of box office draw.
There...there was just no reason for this movie to be made. In H20, I thought that chapter in Laurie's life was closed. In the end, she won, she conquered. That's how it was going to be. But these idiot studio execs just wanted to juice out a another for no good reason. Where to go from here, exactly? And yes, guys, I am going to rant the hell out of this.
Okay, say what you will about the curse of Michael Myers, there was at least a purpose for making it. There was actually a cliffhanger In Halloween 5 to continue on with that. H20, however, DIDN'T have a cliffhanger. In my eyes, and hopefully everyone else's, the saga was finished. The only purpose this movie has is to put stupid teenagers in the Myers' house so Michael could hack through all of them. That's basically the movie in a nutshell. But please, let me get through this, I have so much to talk about in the next few minutes.
The Story: A group of fame-seeking, money-grubbing idiotic college students decide to sign on a reality show in which they explore the Myers house, only to find themselves at the business end of the kitchen knife from Michael Myers' grip.

The cast is annoying and bland as all hell. Do you think these characters are more interesting than Laurie? Really? They're just your pointless, good-looking, run-of-the-mill horror movie characters. A big empty blanks waiting to get filled in for plot circumstances.

First, let me start with Laurie as she is the only character that's interesting at all. And furthermore, her exit from the series is what really pissed me off about the movie. So apparently,  she is now in a mental hospital. You want to know why? Well here we have a massively confusing plot thread to explain it all.

You see towards the end of the last movie, Michael somehow crushed a paramedic's vocal cord which rendered his speech and switched his clothes and so Laurie mistaken him as Michael and chopped the paramedic's head off. This is explained by a nurse at a hospital who, for some reason, knew all of the details of this. Was she there when that happened? Who knows? You see how lazy the writing is getting? but it gets worst.
After clumsily killing two security officers (and I do question why they have such a short staff but oh well), Michael goes after Laurie but, of course, she outwits him and then they have an elaborate chase scene. Soon they are up at the balcony where Laurie uses her smarts and hangs Michael up in a rope. But for some reason, the script causes her to do something stupid which prompts her to reach out and grabs Michael's mask, only for her to get stabbed in the back.

 Yes, that's right, Michael finally kills Laurie. This pissed me the fuck off. I felt that Laurie Strode was such a iconic character, I hate that she had to go out this way or go out at all. Killing off Laurie was such a cop-out on the filmmakers' end.

Poor Jamie Lee Curtis just seems so worn out and tired of it all, that she almost agreed to have the character killed off. I hate the writer for making this decision but then again, Jamie Lee Curtis is too much of a good actress to be in this shit pile that is a called a movie.
So pretty much all of the important characters from the Halloween franchise are dead. Michael has technically won. So how the story will continue? Where will it take place? Who are going to be the new main characters to be invested in? Oh god. Brace yourselves, people. It's a bunch of bland, good-looking college students who wants to be on T.V. You kill off a kickass character like Laurie for us to focus on these idiots. Wow. But trust me guys, I will run through this like water because character development is not on their résumé:

Let's see what is so interesting about Sarah?....um.....I got nothin'. Her story arc revolves around this guy she meets online, who turns out to be a sophomore in high school. So basically, this is used as a plot device later in the climax of the movie.

That's pretty much the importance of her character. She tries to come off as this shy, good girl but the actress is just not convincing enough to be believable. There is just no personality to her whatsoever. A small plank of wood would replace her and nothing would change.

Deckard is, like I said before, is a plot device. Most of his scenes just have him in front of the computer with a group of friends while trying to save Sarah from Michael.

Jen is Sarah's ditzy blond best friend....that's her character. She's a ditz...that is all. Katee Sackhoff is now a better and well-known actress. So it's likely she'll forget that this was one of her earlier film roles.

Sean Patrick Thomas is in this movie but I totally forgot his character's name but then again who cares.

Thomas Ian Nicholas was riding high off of the success of American Pie, who would've thought he would end up in a low-brow slasher movie like this? hmm. I also don't remember the character's name or remember the character himself. Wow. You see how forgettable these character's are? But oh no, I'm not done yet kiddies. I am just reaching the top of the iceberg.

Donna and Jim are just your clichéd hot couple that can't keep their hands off each other. I mean what's more there to say?

I can't believe Tyra Banks of all people is in this movie. Who would've thought that she would later host a successful reality show in a year later? Basically, all she does in the movie is shake her ass, sip on cappuccino, drink wine, and get hung on a ceiling. So her role was nothing more than glorified cameo, of course. What a waste.

And now I present to you the most annoying, most despicable, most loathed character in horror film history, Freddie Harris played by Busta Rhymes. I guess the reason why he was cast in this was to appeal to teenagers. But let's be honest here, I just don't think he's that great of an actor. Not only that but we have to deal with the over-the-top antics of the character Freddie. By the way, Busta Rhymes is quite the scene stealer. I'm talkin Matthew McConaughey in TCM 4 scene stealer. This guy chews every scene he's in and it just gives me a headache. Okay, I would like to call out this one mundane scene where Michael and once he runs into the real Michael Myers, thinking he's a crew member, Freddie yells at him. You want to know what Michael does? Nothing! he lets this guy yell at him for about a minute and walks off. Is this a comedy? Is this what It gears towards?

Now to put more salt into the wound, Freddie turns out to be the hero of the movie. Okay, why is this character so special? he was originally supposed to die in the alternate ending of the movie and Deckard save Sarah but for some reason the test audiences like the character and rooted for him to live. Seriously? Can I say that the test audiences are idiots? This guy is nothing but a money-grubbing, self-entitled, manipulative jerk. Do you really think that qualifies as a hero? in a horror movie, no less? Okay to make this short, Freddie is probably the worst things in this movie.

Oh dear god, Michael. Just as he got his mojo back in the last movie, Michael has turn back into a typical white-washed standard slasher villain. It's almost to the point of being a comic relief. I really shouldn't be saying that but if you get kung-fued by Busta Rhymes of all people, then you might as well be a cartoon character.

Speaking of cartoon character, do you see the new mask they put on him? What's with the eyebrows? it's like they drawn them on with magic markers. By far the worst mask I've seen in the franchise. Sorry there's just not much to say about Michael. He's pretty much derailed at this point and this pretty much dampened his legacy.
I have no idea Rick Rosenthal, who I thought did a good job in Halloween 2, agreed to direct this movie. I just feel he's too good for this.

Half of the scenes are shown in found footage and it's extremely distracting. All of the suspense in this movie is lost because they keep going back and forth at some stupid teen party all the while showing the movie in found footage style in different camera angles. There is no point into being invested at all, you just have to stare at the screen until it's over. And don't get me started on the "practical" effects. Here's a demonstration:

Yeah.

 

 

And most of the movie was set in soundstage, so in that particular scene where Freddie kicks Michael out of the window, you can clearly see the stage ceiling high up. The movie's budget was 13 million dollars. 13 MILLION!
Now for some Trivia, I guess:

• Jamie Lee Curtis yet again wears a wig with Rick Rosenthal in the director's chair while the opening scene is set in a hospital. It's the same scenario in Halloween 2. But I'll tell you one good thing about this, at least they gave her better looking wig.

• Part of the genesis of the film was to acknowledge the franchise internet following.

• The filmmakers once asked Danielle Harris to have a role in the movie but it never came into fruition.

• The earlier scripts had a  lot promise, especially the ones involving John Tate but for some reason they choose this one with a stupid internet subplot and Freddie Harris kung-fuing Michael Myers.

• Brad Loree once auditioned for the role of Jason in Freddy Vs. Jason.

• This movie was supposed to have a completely new story, just like what they did in Halloween 3. But for SOME REASON the fans petitioned an internet rally to bring back Michael Myers. Well guys, you got what you wanted and I'm sorry to say this but you're at fault for this.

What a trainwreck of a movie. It's just sad that the movie series ended on with this. Ugh, I mean all it is is just a piece of crap. It's also hilariously painful to watch, even more so than Part 5 and Part 6 combined. And you want to know what's even more sad is that this was Moustapha Akkad's last produced Halloween movie. This is the movie that put in a nail in the coffin for the series until the obvious Rob Zombie reboot. But for me, I will just wipe my mind off of this. Pretend that this never been made or existed for that  matter. In my eyes, this movie is left in the bargain pile of garbage, never to be seen.
My Last Word: Avoid at all cost.



 

Movie Review: Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later

Picking up the pieces of an already broken franchise, Moustapha Akkad once again tries to reclaim the series back what it once was. However, he brought an unlikely star along for the new project. And it turns out it's none other than....Jamie Lee Curtis.
the project would be a love letter to fans, not just some bloody gorefest. It was going to be a slick and more suspense-laden. The creators behind it even took the risk of ignoring parts 4,5, and 6, and to be honest, you guys, this was a GOOD idea, because I never really cared for those sequels that much, especially 5 and 6 which ruined the franchise completely. So now there is a fresh new story with a fresh new concept. And since this came out during the Scream era, it was definitely the right time to show the glory days of the original.
I like this movie. Some people might dismiss it as a scream copycat but that's not the case with me, it was a nice, slick entertaining throwback to the original Halloween and earlier slasher from the decade. It's got a great, charismatic cast, good writing, great story, and brilliant directing. It's a big step up from the last film and I greatly appreciated that. It's by far the more decent Halloween sequel in the franchise.
The Story: It's been 20 years after the disappearance of notorious serial killer Michael Myers and Laurie Strode, the once terrorized 17 year old girl, has now grown older and wiser, changed her name, and moved to another state. But somehow the past keeps coming back to haunt her. She tires to live her life the best way she can, however, a certain person from her demented past has come back and even the score. So Laurie must protect her teenaged son and his friends before Michael strikes again.

The cast was actually likeable and pretty solid, though, there's not much to say about the teen characters but they were cool enough.

Jamie Lee Curtis is back and better than ever! It takes guts for an actress to reprise this kind of roles cause unlike some big stars they would disown the fact of ever starring in a horror movie but Jamie Lee Curtis, she takes it with stride, putting a lot of passion into her character.

Laurie is kickass! this a woman that has been to hell and back and she isn't going to take it anymore. Once victimized and even disturbed by the memory of her long lost brother, she's like screw this and takes charge. And boy does she.

The fight between her and Michael was epic. Sure, it has it's silly moments but it was worth seeing Laurie finally kicking some ass and bring in the pain on Michael.

Alan Arkin was very charismatic as Will Brennan, even though there's not much to say about his character other than the usual love interest for Laurie. To think of it, he kind of reminds of an older version of Jimmy. Particularly because he spends so much time trying to get in Laurie's pants. Overall, He seems like a nice guy with a few funny moments.

Let's see what's interesting about LL Cool J's character....Not that much really. He basically spends half of the movie reading a novel he wrote to his wife. The scenes are amusing enough, but it doesn't add anything to the story. Though he does sneak in John Tate where most of the climax takes place, so he is somewhat useful.
So here are the teen character, though the most important is John Tate and Molly Cartwell. The other two are fine but nothing really too memorable about them:

John Tate is supposed to be a slight contrast to Laurie, who was a quiet, responsible good girl at 17 where as John who is the same age, 20 years later, is more rebellious, outspoken and assertive. Him and Laurie have a sort of complex Mother-Son relationship, if not complicated. Laurie is very overprotective of John, so it makes sense for him to rebel against her. Soon, Laurie becomes more reasonable and lets John go have fun with his friends. But only to find himself in the same position as his mother once was on that same Halloween night.

Josh Hartnett did a really good job. Not to mention, he's really handsome and charming as the mischievous bad boy.

Molly Cartwell, however, signifies the comparison between her and younger Laurie. She's around the same age, she's a good girl/girl scout, she has good grades, is intelligent, caring, nice and all around likeable. There is also an homage to the original where she looks in the window and spots Michael cemented her final girl status next to Laurie.

Future Oscar Nominee Michelle Williams really brought the aura of the Girl Next Door. She was so likeable in fact that it makes you care for her till the end.

There's not much development on Charles and Sarah but they are at least likeable and funny as Annie and Lynda, So I could at least give them some credit other  than being your usual horror movie victims.

Michael Myers is new and improved and I never been more appreciated. What's so great about him is that he's actually scary and seems like an actual threat. This villain who lives of on death and destruction.

So is Michael is back to his roots of being this dark entity, this evil who manifests himself and not some copycat of other horror villians.

The one scene I love the most is when Michael and Laurie comes face to face, good vs. evil, all the while she is trying save John and Molly. It's probably one of the most iconic shots of 1990's. How awesome is that? So I definitely like this version of Michael. He's not too bulky, not too powerful, just a guy who happens to be evil and a bit impeccable.
Steve Miner was the perfect choice on the director's chair. Mostly known for his work on Friday The 13th part 2 and 3(connection!), Miner was able to capture the feel of the original. Say what you will about the man, he knows how to craft suspense. He actually worked with Wes Craven and Sean Cunningham once, so I think the man knows what he's doing.

The scenes that I enjoy the most is the climatic fight between Michael and Laurie and the triumphant  ending. It is glorious. You think it's going to end but Laurie is like, "Hell no!", takes a cop's gun, steals the ambulance truck, runs over Michael and chops his head off:

That is one of the best horror movie endings ever! who's with me on that?
Now for some Trivia.

• Janet Leigh makes an appearance and for all of you who don't know, Janet Leigh is Jamie Lee Curtis's mother. Her character in the movie is somewhat based on Marion from Pyscho, the movie which inspired Halloween. She even has the same car the character drives in the film.

• John Carpenter actually was on board to work on the project but financial disagreements caused him to back on it.

• Kevin Williamson was offered to co-wrote the script. So you can sort see a Scream influence on the film.

• The working title of the film was once called Halloween 7: The Revenge Of Laurie Strode. Rightfully so.

• The first Halloween movie that doesn't take place in Haddonfield.

• Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees) once auditioned for the role of Michael but was rejected.

• The movie was supposed to have Michael speak for the first time in the ending but  Moustapha Akkad scrapped it, so he could fill in the continuity for the 8th sequel. A sequel that I wished never happened.

The film came in third at the box office but despite not reaching number 1, it still ranked in 55 million domestically.
Again, I love this movie. THIS is how they should've ended the series. It seems like such a definitive sequel. I mean the filmmakers actually put their full head and heart into this. Some small portion of people don't really care for this but for most people, including myself, think this is by far the best sequel in the franchise. It was definitely refreshing to see Jamie Lee Curtis reprise the role that made her famous. And what I love most about this is that  they actually paid their respects to the franchise including offering their blessing to Donald Pleasance and his character Dr. Loomis for how they both contribute the series. I thought that was pretty cool.
I repeat, this is how the series could've ended. Could've ENDED. I mean how could the series get any better after that? and to be honest this is the best the series could offer. This should've been Halloween 4 and the series would stop there.
THIS is the Halloween sequel everybody waited for and that's how it will always be. Period.
My Last Word: Watch it! It's so worth it.