Friday, November 13, 2015

Movie Review: Friday The 13th (2009)

It has come to this, people and I am wallowing in my own pain. As you all may know, I don't like this remake. This is what I call Michael Bay Bullshit. And I can't help to say that Michael Bay contributed to some of the writing as most of it is sophomoric and juvenile. Apparently drunk off the success of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake, Michael Bay thought he could remake just about any horror film he could desire. Well, the downside is, Bay doesn't know shit about horror. While in the process of making this movie, Michael Bay was the one who said summer camps are NOT scary. Leave it to Michael Bay to say that summer camps aren't scary, real genius here. It comes to show that he has not watched any of the Friday films and clearly not a fan. I am literally watching a parody of a movie right now. All of the clichés of a slasher film is totally exaggerated. There was just no effort put into this, no effort at all. The characters are beyond obnoxious, the directing is shitty, the death scenes are lackluster, and the sex scenes and nudity are just cringeworthy. Am I watching hardcore porn here? I thought this was a horror film? Okay before I go further into this, I know the Friday The 13th films aren't....well, Shakesphere. But they are one of those movies where you grew up with, had fun watching, enjoying all of the efforts the filmmakers put into it. It's not art but it's the art of horror filmmaking. But this remake, reboot, re-whatever, is not art, it's a travesty. Nothing but overpolished exploitative trash. Period.
The Story: A bunch of idiots goes on a camping trip to look for marijuana. They get killed by Jason. Part 2: A bunch of idiots go to a vacation lodge to party (really?). They get killed by Jason. Lather, Rinse, and Repeat, people

The characters in this movie is so repulsive: A bunch of drunken college idiots we can't wait to see get slaughtered. Just take a look at this picture. Who were they trying to cast Abercrombie and Fitch models? Then again, Michael Bay is so eager to have beautiful women on screen just to exploit them. The guys are marijuana-obsessed, drunken douchebags and the girls are big-breasted party-girl bimbos if you count out the female leads. Okay, there probably wasn't any full on character development in the original movies, but at least they seem like likeable, real people with little personality quirks that makes them relatable. In this movie, these are nothing but cardboard cutouts, Spring Break MTV rejects, who all have awful screen presence.

I guess Jared Padalecki tried with what he was given but his performance was kind of phoned in. I just can't separate his character from Supernatural. And like Jensen Ackles from My Bloody Valentine, I just wasn't invested in his character of Clay. He's supposed to be this Tommy Jarvis knock-off but he has neither the charm or the likeability of that character to leave an impression on me.

And get this, he leaves a guy to die at Jason's hands because he think he's bait. It just comes to show that even though he's the hero, he is just as selfish and useless as the idiotic twats in this film.

Jenna is the nicest character of the movie but it kind of bothered me that she would go with a complete stranger to look for his sister. It's one thing to have a nice character but too make her too nice to the point of stupidity is pushing it. Oh and get this, she wears pink a lot because she's a good girl. Wow, really. It even confuses me more of how she's friends with these people or dating a douche like Trent. Well, whatever, just because she's nice it doesn't mean she's less stupid. There is a twist about Jenna, however since I freakin' hate this movie, I'll tell you anyway. Jenna is set up to be the film's final girl but nope, she gets killed. There could've been a smarter way of setting this up but judging how dumb the writing is and the lack of character development, I really don't give a shit.

Whitney. Hmm....what's there to say about Whitney? She's Clay's sister. She looks like Jason's mom. She has dumbass friends and an equally dumbass boyfriend. She gets kidnaped and held hostage by Jason (what?). And finally she is this film's final girl. There is no development on this character nor any proper screen time for me to be invested in her. Fifteen to twenty minutes is all the screentime we have with her. Sad but true.

Special mention goes out to the actor who plays Whitney's Boyfriend, who seem to be a remake regular. He was last seen on Rob Zombie's Halloween, playing, of course, somebody's boyfriend. Hmm. Let's see what other crappy remake he's going to be in.

Trent. Oh dear lord, Trent. What a fucking clown. He's played by (the very sexy, I just have to say that) Travis Van Winkle, who played a similar character in one of Michael Bay's Transformers movies. Oddly, he kind of does look like a young Michael Bay. Besides the point though, the way the filmmakers  write this character is so over the top cartoonish, It's hard to take this guy seriously. And if he's just sordidly written this way just for the audience to root for his death is just ridiculous. Sure they had similar characters in the later sequels but at least there was more, let's say, thought put into them. Again, I wonder what the hell Jenna or his friends see in him, though yet again, they're idiots including Trent himself.

Better yet, he gets the most satisfying death scene. How ironic.
The rest of the characters are just caricatures just like Trent, mentioned above, So I'm going to run through them quickly:

First we have Chewie, who is the most annoying character in the movie. For some reason, certain horror fans seem to like this guy. However, he is nothing more than stereotypical stoner with some of the lamest dialogue.

Then we have his friend Lawrence. When the first time we hear his dialogue, it's a one-off joke about his race. Wow, just give it up for the Michael Bay crew. How. Fucking. Typical. He too is a run-of-the-mill stoner character, who likes to look at nude magazines. That's all.

Ryan Hansen just plays his character on Veronica Mars. That's all.

Bree and Chelsea are basically the same character. Beer-guzzling, sex-crazed bimbos.

If you look at this picture here, you can't clearly tell them apart. That's how interchangeable they are. You can see why the casting of the film was so incompetent.

There is one and I mean one good thing I could say about this movie which is how they handled Jason. He is much more faster, stronger, and indeed smarter but what puzzles me was how he was able to set up traps and secret passways but that's just the film's stupid writing, which I will rant on soon.

Anyway, Derek Mears did a good job at keeping Jason intimidating and hulking as he was in the original films.
Oh geez, the writing is atrocious. In some parts, the writers try to have the witty humor of Friday Part 6 but fail miserably. It's like I'm watching a teen sex comedy or something. Damian Shannon and Mark Swift are the same writers that wrote Freddy Vs. Jason, which is questioning why they would get on this project. The problem with them is that they focus on developing the monster instead of the characters. Sure people want to go see Jason, but the main characters are the ones that drive the story. And when you have a bunch of unlikeable, obnoxious, sex-crazed, idiotic, arrogant, repulsive assholes as your film's main characters, something is terribly wrong here. Just a little note, the people in this movie seem to be really obsessed with marijuana. And I'm not going to even mention the dialogue, it's god awful.

Boy, this will give Friday Part 5 a run for it's money because the nudity and sex scenes are way TOO much. At any given moment, half of the female cast flash their breasts at the most unnecessary of times. It soon becomes Girls Gone Wild 2.0 and the sex scenes were gearing towards softcore porn territory. Guys, I'm not a prude but this was just so inappropriate and it made me uncomfortable watching it. If you look at the Friday The 13th films (with the exception of Part 5 and 9), there was only spilt second nude scenes and the sex was at times restrained. So many horror fans demand sex and nudity in their horror films when in fact they just google porn on their computers. and once Jason impales a girl, we get one last shot of her breast before she goes underwater. Ugh. Really, are the filmmakers trying to make this distasteful. There are limits, people, try not to make your film sleazy. This is actually one of the reasons why I watched this only two times.

The death scenes are so lackluster. The filmmakers run of out ideas so much that with one character, they had to shoot her death scenes THREE TIMES before finally coming up with one: which rips off a certain death scene from Silent Night, Deadly Night. Stay classy, guys, stay classy. The only worth-mentioning is the deaths in the opening scenes and Trent's.
Ugh. I am so done here. I mean watching this crap is a waste of time. But one more note before my final rant to this atrocity:

There's the opening sequence featuring Jason's mom for a spilt second, which ends up being rehash of the ending of the first movie. The filmmakers seem to forget that Pamela Voorhees was an integral part of the series. There could've been a backstory explored here and could've add more story than your basic by-the-numbers slasher in which this piece of shit is.
Come on guys, you already know what the verdict is. Watch the original films. Or better yet, watch the first four, which this movie tries to reboot. the movies had likeable characters, neat kills, and good directing. Seriously, I wish this remake didn't exist. And therefore, the most unlucky day I had was seeing this abomination in theaters.
My Last Word: This movie should never be mentioned again. That's how bad it is.

Don't be confused by the trailer, I tried. But honestly I don't care.


Thursday, November 12, 2015

Movie Review: My Bloody Valentine(2009)

 Here is where we have two of the main stars of the hit show Supernatural star in their own shitty remakes. Here we have the 2009 3D "extravaganza" My Bloody Valentine starring Jensen Ackles. It's not anywhere near as classy or sleek as the original nor is it near as investing. Yes, it's basically dumb down for a younger audience although most of the cast is adult if you count out the opening scene. To be fair, this is a very lackluster remake. Even the 3D doesn't make it better, when in fact it's just a gimmick and making the movie look...Well, stupid. It's not a benefit, it's a hindrance. And you know that special note on my last review about sex and gore in horror films? boy, this has a lot of it including an gratuitous sex scene and a woman being chased in the nude. Plus, pints and pints of over-the-top cartoonish gore. Now you know what kind of movie I'm talking about. The filmmakers focus more on that than the story itself. The characters, the writing, and even the directing (shaky cam! CGI!) seem to be lacking. And although some of the acting is okay, the strongest effort from Jamie King, the movie ends up being a dud.
The Story: On the night of Valentine's day, a deranged miner worker by the name of Harry Warden, breaks out of his coma from a broken down mining rig, and starts going on a killing spree. He works his way towards Tom and his group of friends but the only survivors are Tom's girlfriend Sarah, Axel, and Axel's girlfriend Irene. Years later, Tom returns back to his hometown to rekindle his lost love and make amends with his former residents. But someway, somehow Harry Warden has come back for some unfinished business.....

I thought the majority of the cast was alright with Jensen Ackles, Jamie King, and Kerr Smith taking the leads. Heck, even Tom Carpenter regular Tom Atkins joins in. But the script really wans down their performances. Unlike the original where the characters are mostly likeable and fun-loving, we have a bunch of poor, miserable degenerates with shitty adult lives. I get the feeling that no audience would root for these people who are just as crappy as the characters in a Rob Zombie movie.

Jensen Ackles as Tom tries to give an intense performance but ends up being rather wooden. They try to set up Tom as this mysterious drifter type, a guy with a past but it just doesn't work for me. I'm just not invested in Tom as a main character. There is a twist about this character but I'll just leave it later in the review.

Jamie King as Sarah is the only actor that puts in a worthy performance. Even with crap like this, she always pulls through. The character of Sarah is probably the only likeable character in the movie. Hell, if she can put up with a jerkass cheating husband, cheating with one of her employees, no less, of course she would be the only likeable character.

Most of her storyline consists of a love triangle between her former boyfriend Tom and her recent husband Axel. I will confess that I am a soap opera fan, but let me say this, this is soap opera bullshit and it really doesn't help the story either. The original handled this way much better in my opinion. Is it just me or the chemistry between Jensen Ackles and Jamie King feels forced? I'm sorry I was just not feeling it. Anywho, Jamie King is probably one of the best things about this movie.

Kerr Smith as Axel did an alright job but let me focus more on Axel, who is a giant asshole. When we first see him, he is a typical teenage douchebag and from then on out, he still hasn't changed. For some reason, he is now sheriff of the town and is having an affair with one of his wife's employees and soon gets her pregnant. Ugh! Why didn't the filmmakers kill him off! He just doesn't make an effective or likeable hero. And I'll say this once again, he is a complete asshole.

Special mention goes to his mistress, who is a typical horror film bimbo with no redeeming qualities.

Okay, I give this movie for all it's worth when I say they did a good job having Harry Warden to be as sleek and intimidating as in the original, however, even he doesn't make the movie better.

There is one scene I like to discuss. And that's the over the top sex scene involving Irene and a trucker played by Todd Farmer. I can tell he was so pumped to do this scene. How freakin' typical. I will say he got some moves on him, I'll tell you that. At least, it's only one sex scene to cringe over unlike the next movie I'll review.

But the one thing that really bothered me is how the actress is getting chased by the killer in her birthday suit. She is naked throughout the whole scene and I kept wondering was this even in the script? but then again, Todd Farmer was so adamant to do the sex scene and have a naked actress on screen, I guess it was written in. This is so exploitative and really cheapens the movie.

What cheapens the movie even more is how over the top the gore is. Yes, there are some creative death scenes here but having it fall into the screen in 3D, just makes it look so corny. I guess the filmmakers are trying to make up for the deleted death scenes in the original, but when I say it's too much, it's too damn much.

There is one scene that I thought was well done and it's the supermarket chase scene. If the movie had more scenes like this, I could be singing a different tune right now.

Like most reviews, we have a twist. Spoilers, you guys: So it turns out Tom was doing the killings all along. See? They sort of did a switcheroo with the ending of the original. how "clever." And this is when Jensen Ackles acting got kind of terrible. I was not convinced. Apparently, Tom has a spilt personality, possessed by the spirit of Harry Warden, I supposed. Tom eventually survives, leaving for a sequel bait. No development has been in the works. Thank God for that!
Verdict? The original is so much better. There is an unrated version with the grisly death scenes. But I prefer the cut version, it's far more effective, just for it's atmosphere and well-crafted scenes. This movie is the total opposite. I can see why people like this...I guess. Maybe it's for the nudity and gore alone. You know how those college horror fans are. But I know that I am at least most of the people who think this movie is tacky, leaving it a forgettable, pointless slasher film.
My Last Word: Skip This.

Had a hard time finding the trailer but oh well.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Movie Review: Prom Night (2008)

 It's a rarity when you have a PG-13 movie these days. People are so eager to amp up the sex and violence just get an R-rating and it's so desperate to me. As I said before, I'm not the biggest gorehound or don't particularly care for sex and nudity in horror films. To me, horror should rely on suspense and playing with your fears. But when a certain movie seems to be lacking that, there's really nothing to fall back on. In the mid to late 2000's, there have been a few PG-13 teen horror films that have been lackluster at best. And it's only a marketing ploy for teens and tweens to ramp up the box office. Prom Night is one of those movies. It became sort of a trend when movies that happen to have the same name, the same plot, the same idea of a decade old horror film yet is a completely different movie. This didn't have to be named Prom Night but people were so eager to make comparisons anyway. When there really shouldn't be. Okay to make this quick, it did have a promising opening scene, Brittany Snow does at least try to put in a good performance with special mention going to the very sexy Idris Elba, and it did have one good suspenseful chase scene. But all that doesn't make up for a terrible script and Prom Night ends up being a run-of-the-mill forgettable teen horror film.
The Story: Typical ordinary teenager Donna experiences a night of terror and tragedy when her family is murdered right before eyes at the hands of her psychotic teacher Mr. Fenton, who is infatuated with her. Years later at the eve of her Senior Prom, the past comes back to haunt her, literally, when the mentally unbalanced Mr. Fenton, who just escaped from prison, begins hunting down her friends one by one.

The acting wasn't bad, it was more average to passable if you ask me. The actors were good with what they were given, although the character development seemed to be lacking. Okay, in the original the characters weren't what I call nice but at least they were a lot interesting than our main cast here. They're just so...bland. And I will use that very often.

Brittany Snow as Donna was one of the actors that at least tried. And although it's not one of her strongest efforts, she gives an acceptable performance.

The character of Donna I could fall back on because She's the only character with any proper character development. I get that she went through a traumatic ordeal but if the filmmakers would've went further through that and how it deeply affected her I think the movie would've been slightly better for it, instead of some cheap plot point to add story to the script.

There could be more to Donna, however, she's nothing more than a typical final girl.

Johnathan Schaech as Mr. Fenton was mostly forgettable. Okay, just to get this out of the way, Johnathan Schaech is a very sexy man but he is totally miscast in this role. The filmmakers could've cast someone more intimidating, more scary. Maybe having a less attractive actor would've help too.

On top of that, Mr. Fenton has a terrible disguise. He just strolls in his killing spree, with a hat and a knife. Really? Really? And what makes it worse, the police are totally oblivious to this guy who only wears a hat. Do you see how stupid and convoluted this movie is? If they would've went with the ski mask-all black ensemble, I could totally buy that. But the whole Joe Schmoe-with-a-hat is what they went with. This has got to be one of the lamest horror villains in slasher history. Not crafty, not clever, yet he can still outsmart the cops.

Speaking of cops, we have Idris Elba as Detective Winn. This is one of Idris Elba's notable early roles and he does a good job, not much is given in his part but he does his best. As far as the character of Detective Winn, he is surely incompetent. Him and his entire police force are probably the dumbest law enforcement I've ever witnessed. And as much of the slasher movies I've seen, that's saying something. Gosh! These guys are useless. Of course, Detective Winn comes in and saves the day but it doesn't get him off the hook at being horrible at his job.

Okay, I'm going to run through Donna's friends. Since there is no character development, this will be easy peasy:

First we have Donna's very hot handsome boyfriend Bobby but with good looks, there is no personality. He is so bland I can't even have a full description of him.

Then we have Claire played by Jessica Stoup, who was last seen in the horrible The Hills Have Eyes 2, has nothing to work with here. She does seem to have promise as an actress but for all I've seen her in she is given wasteful material which indeed wastes her talent.

The sexy Kelly Blatz is also mishandled as Claire's disgruntled boyfriend and throughout the movie that's all the couple do is bicker like a married couple. Kelly Blatz, to be honest, isn't really that strong of an actor but at least he's cute, right?

Lisa and Ronnie played by Dana Davis and Collins Pennie are the cute high school couple who decides to consummate their love on Prom Night but since this is a slasher movie, you know what happens.

There are actually two scenes I found suspenseful. First, there is the opening scene that shows some promise, though, it could've been done better.  Lisa's chase scene was actually well done but nowhere near as thrilling as the 1980 original. That's all I got, the rest of the movie pretty much falls flat.
How does one make a PG-13 slasher movie? No really I want to know. I....just don't know what to say. Now this is what I call an unnecessary horror remake and it just gets worse further down the line in the coming reviews. As a whole this is a pretty shitty movie that has nothing to offer. It's a typical bubblegum pop teeny-booper slasher film that tries to be hip, but failing miserably. As a verdict, I will go with the Jamie Lee Curtis original. To be fair the 1980 film, may not be up to par with Halloween or Friday The 13th, though at least it has the right ingredients of a great slasher and at least it's ENTERTAING. But this is a waste of time and a terribly written mess.
My Last Word: The original is way more of a night to remember than this forgettable trash.


Saturday, November 7, 2015

Movie Review: April Fools Day

 Boy howdy, this movie was a waste of my time and three dollars. Yes, I said three dollars. But there is a dime a dozen where I fall into a direct-to-DVD crap like this. And this movie isn't even WORTH a dime.
I really didn't see what was the point of remaking the 1986 original. I guess because back then, everybody was so put off by the "shock" ending, forgetting that it's actually an affectionate parody of the slasher genre. The movie had since been admirable and became something of a cult classic. I never thought in a million years they would redo this. First of all, what would be the overall tone of the movie? Would it be a horror-comedy or would it be straightforward? And surprise, surprise, they were going to go with the straightforward approach. Even though the final result of the movie is unintentionally hilarious at best. But let's just be glad that it has nothing to do with the original. It just so happens to be a movie with the same name as the 1986 slasher. I'll just leave it at that because there's just nothing else to say about this movie except that it's piece of crap.
The story: A group of narcissistic, self-indulgent, self-righteous, egotistical, arrogant, pompous rich snobs decide to pull a prank on a girl which ends disastrously, resulting in her death. A year later, the group receives death threats and are always watching over their shoulders, anticipating of whoever is preparing to strike.

There's one comparison I like to point out: The characters in the original were actually likeable. Say what you want about the 1986 film but I liked it because of that. Now we have a bunch of egotistical assholes who have nothing but scorn against each other. Now I'm only going to focus on three main characters because the rest are just cliché: You have the arrogant politician, the narcissistic beauty queen, the annoying, obnoxious dimwit who always carries a camera with him, etc. So I think the characters that have the most development will get most of the luck.

We have Desiree Cartier awfully played by Taylor Cole is a raging bitch when we first meet her, treating everybody, including her friends like shit.

And even a year later after the accident, she still is a bitch. I don't care how the movie at least make her sympathetic, it just doesn't work for me. If you have a main character that's this selfish and unlikeable, you bound to not care what happens to her.

Then we have Desiree's womanizing, party boy brother Blaine played by the hunky, sexy Josh Henderson. Just like good o'l sis, Blaine is a giant asshole, particularly the type of guy that would have sex with anything with a pulse. Even after he tricked a girl and caused her death, he gets no consequences. He has some remorse for sure but what do we know, he has money and good looks and in the end, he doesn't quite care.

Torrance played by the atrocious Scout-Taylor Compton is an upcoming Hollywood starlet, how ironic. This cites Scout's second ride down the remake train, though I would say, she fist right at home into direct-to-video land. Okay, more on her character, she was obviously best friends with the girl before the group accidently murdered her. It's strange how she still friends with these people when she could've steered clear away from them. However, she puts her so-called acting skills to good use later in the movie.
Suspense? what suspense? and the death scenes are really lame and tame. For all I know this movie could've been rated PG13 or even worse PG.

And there is at least one special effect I would like to highlight where in the opening scene when the girl falls over the balcony, you can tell it's a dummy in plain sight. It's so hilarious it has to be seen to be believed.
Okay there is a twist and if you haven't seen the original you would probably know by now:
Everybody Lives! But unlike the original where it was a lighthearted prank by the friends who was doing for a test for the vacation lodge, in this version, it's a mean-spirited one put on Desiree because of how much a total jerk she was to everybody. So Torrance is holding a gun, it may seem fake but once she takes a shot at Desiree to show it's fake, it suddenly blow Desiree's brains out. Everybody freaks out. End of film. There is a alternate ending where after Desiree dies, Blaine gets thewill and drives off victoriously. You know, I'll just stick with the original ending, cause not just the audience loses, EVERYBODY DOES.
When I look at this, this isn't a horror film, it's nothing more than a basic teen soap opera. Hell, the production of the movie looked like it was made as a pilot movie. With your basic daytime soap opera lighting. And your basic daytime soap opera music. I mean the original wasn't much of a horror film but it least it had the mechanics of one.
Please guys don't check out this movie, it's a total bore. I don't even have to tell you the verdict. Go watch the original, it has likeable characters, good atmosphere, and it's actually fun to watch.
My last word: AVOID THIS.


Monday, November 2, 2015

Happy 30th Anniversary To NOES 2

Yesterday was the 30th Anniversary of A Nightmare On Elm Street 2, if any of you know. I wouldn't say this a great movie, but it's an enjoyable watch, especially if you're gay. Be sure to check on the documentary Scream Queen starring the one and only Mark Patton, coming in 2016.