Now this is the moment where I finally rip off Rob Zombie's Halloween. Look, I know some of you are fans of this movie and yes, there was once a upon a time where I thought I liked this movie as only I was a teenager back then, not knowing of the glaring flaws it had. Guys, don't get me wrong, I am a fan of Rob Zombie's music but his movies are questionable at best. He seems to have this impending fascination with the hillbilly horror genre. Not only his antagonists seem to the get this vibe from me, though, his protagonist as well, at least the minor ones. What boggles down to this is that this is a guy who treasures classic horror films, someone who firmly is against horror remakes, would resort to making a pretty crappy one of his own. Yes, I said it, it's crappy. It's only my opinion. And I'll tell you bit by bit of why I didn't like this. Before I start things off though, this movie had potential or at least had the potential to tell a proper origin story, even if it really wasn't needed. There could've been chunks of it left out to keep the mystery Michael Myers, however, it is what it is I'm sad to say.
The Story: In Haddonfield, Ill., Michael Myers, an often mistreated and disturbed young boy, brutally murders his stepfather, his sister, and her boyfriend. Under the care of Dr. Loomis, Michael is soon sent away in a mental facility but through the months and years, he slowly descents into a psychotic state. Once he escapes, Michael goes in search for the long lost little sister he left behind, trailing traces of blood along the way...
Okay you guys I'm going to break this up into two parts because this movie is longer than it should be. Just for a little intro, the characters are unbearable to watch. Sure, you have veteran actors like Michael McDowell and Brad Dourif but I felt that McDowell was miscast as Dr. Loomis and we don't have much screentime with Dourif. The rest of the cast is just cringeworthy and trust me, I'll get to them. Last but not least, Rob Zombie has this constant trend of having celebrity cameos when it really has purpose to the story and it's just distracting.
Anywho let's get things going:
Part 1: Origin
The young Michael Myers just comes off like a typical trailer trash brat. Sure, Rob Zombie tries to find a way to make him sympathetic by showing how he gets abused by his family and peers.
However, it doesn't help that he's constantly whiny and the child actor playing doesn't benefit the character in the least. Another mistake the filmmakers made was that they established too early that something was off about him. Having a mystery about the characters could've been a smart move and having long unnecessary scenes of Michael in the mental institution seem to drag on the film instead of telling a proper story. Portraying Michael Myers like this normal kid who happens to have a psychotic problem, along with the child actor's bad acting, makes the movie less effective.
What made the original brilliant was how simple they had the story structure. Michael Myers was this seemingly normal six year old boy who just snapped one night, that's what made the opening scary, there was no rhyme or reason for it, which is why most of Michael's backstory should've been left on the cutting room floor.
Then we have the Myers family and, oh my gosh, this is the first five minutes and I was already getting a raging headache. Listening to these people is like nails on a chalkboard, having them all in one scene is a chore to get through. For the life of me, I will showcase them to you.
First we have Deborah Myers, the moral compass in Michael's life. She's your typical single mom stripper with a sleazy abusive boyfriend/husband(?). Once the murders happen, she is most deeply affected, even to the point of suicide when Michael dwells into his psychosis, leaving behind his baby sister. I guess Deborah is one of the more tolerable characters I could get through, however, she is still a trailer trash stereotype and because Sheri Moon Zombie is Rob Zombie's wife, there will always be a chance for him to make her the star of one of his movies.
Ronnie is another trailer trash stereotype: Stripper Mom's abusive boyfriend who curses, drinks, flirts with his stripper girlfriend's daughter, drinks, bullies Michael, bullies his girlfriend, and then drinks some more. His sole purpose in the movie is to be an obnoxious asshole to Michael in order for Michael to kill him later. William Forsyth does what he is given. That is all.
Judith Myers is the final stereotype in this ratcheted family: The typical slutty, trashy, bitchy older sister who treats her mom and her little brother Michael like crap.And instead of taking Michael out trick or treating, she rather bunk up with her stoner-loser boyfriend. Since some of us already seen the original, this girl is really asking for it. They could've found a way to make her sympathetic but Rob Zombie drove her to the asshole route. There would've been some emotional resonance to her death, though judging how incredibly unlikeable she is, there's nothing to dwell on.
Malcolm McDowell as Dr. Loomis is a good actor but like I said, he is so miscast in the role. Is it me or is Michael McDowell only good at playing assholes and villains. McDowell tries, however, I didn't find him that believable.
The film at least try to make Loomis sympathetic but fails to do so since it shows Dr. Loomis not doing such a good job with Michael, disappointing him just like everybody else in his life, which is why he turned out the way he is. I would give credit to Rob Zombie, showcasing the relationship between Dr. Loomis and Michael but It just doesn't lead to anywhere, therefore giving Dr. Loomis to do a impassioned speech about how evil he is. When you think about it, It really doesn't shine a sympathetic light to Loomis.
Overall, the portrayal of Dr. Loomis in this version is just forgettable and nowhere near as brilliant as How Donald Pleasance Portrayed him.
Part 2: Michael's Return/Laurie's Story
For half of the movie, where Michael escapes the mental facility, here we have pointless cameos by Ken Foree and Sid Haig, roles that could've been best played by unknown actors. Then we have Dee Wallance Stone and Pat Skipper who seemed wasted as Laurie's adoptive parents. Brad Dourif is actually good in his role of Sheriff Brackett and one of the few likeable characters in the movie.
Lastly, the cast of Laurie and her friends were painstakingly annoying. You know, John Carpenter found ways to make them likeable and relatable. Even Debra Hill contribute to that since she had similar teenage friends and sort of incorporated of how they talked in the movie. When you look at Annie and Lynda, they seem like the type of people you would be friends with.
In this version, not so much. They come off like such mean girls in this. And when you hear them talk, it's obvious that Rob Zombie doesn't know how to write teenage girls. And it's aggravating to know that they always seem to have sex on their minds. You know that's not the only thing teenagers do in horror movies, Mr. Zombie, I thought you would be more creative than that. Anywho, let's just get back to basics:
Is it me or did Michael just magically gain 200 pounds of muscle over the years. I know I've heard stories about steroids being put into cafeteria food but this is ridiculous. The obvious Michael and Jason comparison are going adamant in this review because any sign of Michael in the original is gone now.
Sadly, Laurie Strode, one of the most well-known final girls in slasher history, is now as ditzy and annoying as her friends are. I guess she hasn't escaped the asshole gene she inherited from her shitty biological family but hey it's ALL in the family.
Yeah, it would've been cool to have Laurie this funny, happy-go lucky, teenager who tries to be the optimistic overachiever. But she didn't grow on me in the least. Like I said Rob Zombie does not know anything about teenage girls, other than the fact he thinks they are sex-crazed freaks. I mean the first scene we see her in she's sexualizing a bagel in front of her parents. Who the hell does that? Is it so hard to make Laurie likeable? Or at least talk to someone who knows about teenage girls. I mean gosh. It would've been interesting to have a realistic take on Laurie and her friends but they are far from realistic in this movie.
I can't fathom how much of an annoying ditz Laurie is in this version. Hell, she's even more annoying than Tina in Halloween 5. Wow, way to go, Rob Zombie. What a waste of a character. Scout-Taylor Compton really doesn't have the right acting chops to carry such a meaty role. I mean Jamie Lee Curtis is a legend, and this girl will never and I mean never hold a candle to her performance. That's it and that's all.
Oh Geez. Poor Danielle Harris. She's a really great actress, I'm just so sad that she has been downgraded by the shitty dialogue and script. I mean when I heard she was going to play Annie I was kind of siked, It was interesting since Danielle Harris starred in Halloween 4 and 5. And even though she was 29 during filming, she looked young for the part at least. I thought I was going to get this hip, sassy version of Annie, similar to the original but more modernized, but oh no, she is hard to watch. The dialogue that Rob Zombie give is obnoxious and a sore to listen to, geez louise. There's not much to say about Annie either. It's just like having Danielle Harris in those glorified unnecessary cameos Rob Zombie seems to be hassling over. Oh and I forgot to mention, Spoiler Alert!
Annie lives, besides being bloodied and bruised. You really didn't know what Michael did to her but what's the point of dwelling on it, it's basically torture porn.
Lynda is your typical slutty cheerleader who gets a full on nude scene before getting killed. Really, Rob Zombie, really. Ugh.
We even get a stoner version of Lynda's Boyfriend complete with long, stringy hair. Though I would say the actor playing him is pretty hot, I give it that. His death is sort of quick and nowhere near as great as it was in the original. In the end, Lynda is a totally flat character.
Tommy and Lindsey are such brats in this version. You know what I liked about them in the original? they were kids. Just normal everyday kids, not the smart-mouthed annoying half pints like they are in this movie. Ugh. Everytime these kids open their mouths I feel like smothering myself with a pillow. And with that I'm moving on.
Finally we have Brad Dourif as Sheriff Brackett who surprisingly does a good job. Yes, the character seems quirky in this version but that's where it works. Dourif really brings in an honest performance, not much screentime but he works well with what he's given.
Now it all boils down to this, Rob Zombie himself. I can see that he put a lot passion into this, however, his vision just doesn't translate well into the Halloween universe. Maybe as a stand alone movie, it would've been passable yet forgettable. But clashing his vision into John Carpenter's really isn't a good mix in my opinion. Then again, John Carpenter gave good word to Rob Zombie and it was John Carpenter himself who told Zombie to "make it his own." So we have John Carpenter to thank for that. Oh god, help me.
Rob Zombie's "make it his own" vision includes non-stop gory violence, gratuitous nudity, and even an unnecessary repulsive rape scene in the director's cut. All of what was suspenseful or scary about the original is lost on copious amount of shock value, which seems to be an unhealthy trend for horror films. And yes, the filmmakers do use the theme song well but it's at the most inappropriate times. hell, once the theme song starts, it's when young Michael Myers runs out of the school in a fit. It's quite unintentionally funny actually. Lastly, You know what made the original stand out unlike other slashers in it's heyday? the movie relayed on scares, not over the top kills. When you look at it, the murders in the movie are quite realistic, almost as if you're watching a snuff film. And the subtle touches with the point of view camera and the long, slow moving shots is what made the movie so powerful. It's all about subtlety and that's what Rob Zombie doesn't understand. Putting in gore and violence does not make the movie effective, just pointless. And that's why this remake is nothing more than a lifeless, incompetent, inconceivable, exploitative mess.
The Verdict? Yes, Guys, please watch the John Carpenter classic, it's a slasher movie done right. When you watch films like this, it makes you appreciate horror films. And maybe even the younger generation could give it a watch. And even though some of you hadn't grew up with the 1978 original, that doesn't mean you can enjoy it any less. Yeah, some of you may think this version is better than the sequels and yes, it does have more to it but at the same time the writing is terrible, the acting is awful, and the directing is beyond shitty complete with shaky cam, flashy edited shots, and dull gray lighting. Okay, I've said what I said. This movie sucks. End of story.
My Last Word: Go watch the original, it'll do you some good.